To Tattoo or not to Tattoo???

I do not have a tattoo. I do not want a tattoo. It is not my chosen form of self expression. I do not begrudge anyone else (unless you are my child then your ass belongs to me until you are 21!) getting one if that is what they must do.

This past weekend my college son brought home a few friends and one of them is a 19 year old girl. I've known her for a while so she hopped up to show me her latest. It is a symbol (and it escapes me what it meant - thats how meaningful it was) that she had 'too'd on her hip. It goes well with the two fairies that are on her lower back.

My first question was, "What happens when you are someone's mother? or better yet grandmother?"

This is why you shouldn't 'too your belly. Yeah, she might look kinda cute (not really - I hate her and her marriage bustin' fat lips) now but what happens when that belly is all flabby after the baby?

Of course, everyone thinks tattoos are all cute. Little hearts on a tiny hiney, little flower on an ankle, maybe a tasteful cross on a breast, or a circle of barbed wire on a bulging bicep, but what about this?

Yeah. One thing you will not ever see is me bending over when I am living at the nursing home, stretching my skin out so everyone can ooh and aah over my wicked 'too on my ass. No, honey, thats not a Rorshach Ink Blot - its my tattoo'd Celtic symbol for a butterfly!

And The Award Goes To....

Allow me to rant. And rave. I am sick to death of celebrity award shows. These are just another avenue for celebrities to get all dressed up and then fawn all over each other. You can't turn on the t.v. any more without some award fest being aired.

The SAG, Golden Globes, Emmy's, Tony's, Grammy's, ACM's, AFI's, MTV's, Nickelodeon, and the People's Choice all lead to uncontrollable boob spillage! the I forgot to shave and had to put on a tux! Ugly dresses! Pretty dresses! Dripping of diamonds!

Why does our society act like these people are wise and smart when all they did was show up on a movie set, have professional make-up artists and hairdressers make them look perfect, then have a hot, torrid affair with their co-star? And, they get paid tons of money for this?? Of course, these are the celebrities who actually do punch a clock for a living. Others like Paris Hilton don't even do that.

It drives me crazy when a t.v. talk show host like....uh, Ho-prah will ask actor's and celebrities questions like this:

"Do you feel this movie will change the way people think?"

I wish just once an actor would answer honestly and just say, "Gosh! Hell, if I know. I was just paid to act like a sheep herding cowboy who pokes boys."

WWJD?

Yesterday, as I was driving down a main road I came to a corner where there is usually someone working. By working, I mean a homeless person with a sign - "Will Work For Food" "Anything Helps" "Homeless and Hungry".

Today's guy was young, bearded and barefoot. He was limping and would walk the row of cars with his sign, hopeful for a handout. His feet were so dirty and swollen it made me hurt.

He didn't have a dog with him. I don't know if you have noticed but a dog seems to be the accessory of choice for the begging homeless these days. I think it works too! I WANT THE DOG TO EAT!

Here's my question....how do you feel about giving these people a handout from your car? A dollar? or your spare change? Are you worried the person will run off and spend your $1 on crack or booze? Do you give it and hope they eat something? Or, that maybe your gesture of kindness will move them to get off the street?

I do give them money every now and then. Personally, I feel that if I have spare change and want to give it, that change has then become a gift. When I give ANYONE a gift, I do not question the giver as to what they did with it. I believe a gift should be given freely, with no strings attached. And, quite honestly, I can't begrudge them that - if I was homeless I would probably be smoking cigarette butts and running off to buy booze with any money I could scrounge up too.

My church makes up little bags to give to the homeless. These are neat because they contain some non-perishable food, a juicebox drink, and usually some wet wipes or tissues.

I didn't give money to the dude yesterday. Why? I don't know. A few weeks ago there was another young guy there, shirtless, shoeless but with a wicked tattoo of Jesus on his belly. I gave him a $1. The guy in front me driving a truck had handed the Jesus guy a drink. When I gave him the $1, Jesus dude showed me the drink and said "this guy gave me this but I can't even tell what it is". It was frothy and white but didn't look like milk. We both laughed and I told him that I didn't know if I would drink it. Then the light turned green.

Welcome Baby!!

Aren't they beautiful!! I've seen a lot of babies in my time but I have to say, he is one of the prettiest!

And, he broke a record in easy births (four pushes!!) and SJ was already wanting to wander the hallways to brag to the other new mommies about how fast he came! She's so competitive.

Mommy, Daddy, Miss E and baby are all doing great.

Baby Watch!

The Sarcastic Journalist is in the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby! Her parents planned a vacation and SJ must have known that this was the weekend cuz I had been on stand-by, but she was still 2 1/2 weeks out from her due date....well, nobody told the baby that and he has decided that he is coming!

I am watching Miss E and getting reintroduced to all the joys of toddlerhood - in a non childproofed house! I did get a portacrib, carseat and stroller so I can manage. And, she is an adorable angel who is very fun.

Can I just say - girls are soooo very different from boys! She is easy!

Thank goodness my husband's uncle had a case of oranges and grapefruits delivered as a gift. Miss E has delivered them ALL OVER the house. Repeatedly to the boys. I have now trained them to smile and in a loud high voice say, "Thank You!"

Dream On

Where was I last night??? Just hangin' around with Steven Tyler and the rest of Aerosmith AND Lenny Kravitz.

My ears are still ringing but it was awesome and totally worth it!!

That's me with the stage right behind. Obviously, we had great tickets. This is my "rock'n'roll" look...

We were also sitting in the Land of Bald Men
Every time I tried to take a picture these two dudes stuck their shiny heads in it! In this pic, Lenny took a walk all the way around, right through the crowd. We all worshipped him after this!

These are my new friends - Kristie and Fern (and my friend Jeff behind them with a lecherous look on his face - no Jeff! They are wayyyy too young!)!!! They were so much fun. I'm pretty sure, Kristie has no voice left today. That girl is a screamer.
Steven Tyler had these black and white striped pants on that on any other man would just be wrong but, oh my gosh! They were so right on him!
Look!!
Of course, its going to take me two days to recover from this....oh, and the whole "NO Cameras" thing?? Just stick your camera at the bottom of your purse and then pile tampons on top - then just make sure your purse checker person is male...

Me?? A Fashion Don't?

Yes, I admit it. I have committed a fashion crime. I am now on the run and having to update the blog from the road.

Return with me to the scene of the crime. I have always known that I have a bit of a problem discerning navy from black. I usually have to hold up something I know is one color or the other to the item in question to be able to see if it is black or blue.

Yesterday I pulled out my snappy blue striped sweater and (what I thought) was my navy slacks. I then pulled on some navy trouser socks and my chocolate suede kicky loafers. And, went my merry way to church. Much to my horror, somewhere between the Lord's Prayer and the song "You Are Holy", God decided to point out my error by directing a ray of light directly on my slacks - which were not navy but black. I was wearing black slacks with brown shoes. Oh, the horror! Tiny beads of sweat instantly erupted along my upper lip. A fine film of perspiration dampened my underarms. No where to hide! My fashion faux paus was literally in front of God and everyone!

This was almost as bad as the time I wore a bright blue dress to school in junior high. I had a bit of a "perspiration" problem - okay, I started to sweat like a race horse and of course the dress showed it like a neon beer sign. I was mortified and the more embarassed I became the more I sweat. I'm surprised the story didn't end with me hanging myself in the girls bathroom. But, no it was a long bus ride home with some stupid boy quoting an Arrid Extra Dry commercial. Ha, ha.

The Weekend

What are weekends for?? Well, I guess if you are lucky enough to have a regular M-F, 9-5 job, they are for catching up on things, shopping, napping and (click here) mourning a whale.

I am the person who owns 3 dogs and would have more if I could humanely keep them and 3 boys and a husband and a sister in law.

I am the person who donated more to Katrina Animal Rescue than to the American Red Cross (and people, I was the spokesperson/Community Relations for the Red Cross in a certain city when I was a working girl).

It just makes me really sad to think of this poor whale, lost, trying to find his way back to the sea and not making it. Aren't we all just trying to find our way in this world?

Odds'n'Ends

It's almost Friday. I'll just do a general wrap up of things I noticed this week.

Salsa dancing is frickin' hard! I consider myself a pretty good dancer but after two glasses of wine even my feet couldn't move like that or that fast. Gave it up quick. Went back to just drinking wine.

If you have saddlebags, please refrain from wearing stretch pants. Really. They aren't "holding" it in. The cottage cheese was scary on those thighs. And, trust me, I was trying NOT to look.

Leif. What happened?? I guess being a teen idol just ain't what it used to be. I couldn't find a picture of what he looked like when he was actually arrested, which was shown on the t.v. news, but trust me, this man has been "ridden hard and put up wet" as we say down south here.

Don't cha hate it that the fashion right now is for little girls to dress like 'ho's and their mom's to then try and dress just like their little girls?? What's up with that? If I had a girl, I would never let her go to The Limited Too. I'm sorry but that is like an elementary school for prostitutes. I must be raising Amish boys cuz the other day one of my son's told me that my shorts were too short and I pointed out they were my RUNNING shorts and it wasn't like I was going shopping in them. I probably shouldn't subject people driving a vehicle to my scary white legs, but I sure ain't gonna wear 'em and upset people's stomachs at the grocery store.

Oh yeah, enough about Brangelina Jolie-Pitt!! and their babies. Jennifer and I are sick to death of them.

Missing What I Don't Have

I don't usually use my blog to whine or cry or rant. Okay, I bitch a little but I usually try and keep it light - right? ahem! I said, right???

Every now and then a sadness comes over me and threatens to consume me. I'm not a depressed person at all but every now and then a reference will be made to something and I will realize that I am deficient or don't belong. Why? Because I don't have a daughter. There. I admit it - I wish I could have had a girl. I put it down in writing.

I love all 3 of my boys and wouldn't trade a one of them. But every now and then I will simply ache because I didn't end up having a girl. I grew up with just brothers so I don't even have a sister. I grew up a fierce tomboy - rode horses, wouldn't put a dress on to save my life, even wanted to pee standing up - why? Cuz thats what the boys did! I know God gave me boys cuz thats what I am good at but....

Today while I was at the mall I saw all these cute, cute comforters that were obviously for girls and it made me sad that I don't have a girl's room to decorate.
I don't have a daughter to go shopping with and out to lunch.
I can't buy those matching mother/daughter dresses (Okay - I would never REALLY do that!)
I will never be the mother of the bride (I will just get stuck hosting the stupid Rehearsal Dinner).
My boys may spend more time at their wives' families than my own.
When my mom dies, I will miss her terribly. She is my only link to a mother/daughter relationship.

I tell myself that if I had a girl, she might not be the most popular, super cute girl anyway. Not every girl is a cheerleader. Maybe she would be more like this one.

My boys are great but they're boys, thru and thru. I am lucky that my husband is my best friend, he loves to shop with me and loves to see Chick Flick's.

When I think about growing old is when I get well, misty about it. I will statiscally outlive my husband. I won't have a daughter to come and visit me. Not that my boys won't. Of course, they will but the relationship between women is different. It would be somebody who would understand when I will gripe about the beautician at the nursing home and how she is making my hair look like a damn helmet. I know I will get a "deer in the headlights" look from the boys - but a daughter - she would know exactly what I meant.

My life is full and I have no reason to complain but still I wonder what it would have been like...

New Meds on the Market!!!

I get a lot of stupid emails forwarded to me. But I got this one the other day and it made me laugh!! I just had to share.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.


The line forms behind me, friends.

A NIght at the Movies

The hubs and I snuck out last night and saw "Last Holiday" with her Highness Queen Latifah.

What is not to love about her? She is big. She is beautiful. She is real. I loved the movie and loved the theme - Live Your Dreams. It is something I have been working on for the last 6 months and this movie was very reaffirming. I love Timothy Hutton too, always have, ever since (dare I risk aging myself??) the movie "Ordinary People." If you haven't seen it, please read the book first. I cried a river throughout this book.

The rest of this post is for you people who were there with us last night....People who brought their two babies to the movie - STOP IT! Your baby cries a lot and is obnoxious. And Dad? You could have gotten your fat butt out of the seat and taken your wife's spot out in the hallway for at least 10 minutes. I watched her walk up and down the stairs like 5 times. The baby was almost a year old. Do you think he wants to sit in a dark theater??? NO, he wants to walk around and BE A BABY! How could that have been a fun night out for you??? You tried to make the rest of us miserable too, which was NOT appreciated.

Guy wearing the fanny pack? Do you know how to spell fanny pack? It's D-O-R-K.

Two girls sitting next to me? Guess what? During the movie the rest of us don't care that you got to fly first class once. BFD! Do you know how close I came to asking you to "Please use your INDOOR voice?"

The rudeness in this world is overwhelming.

R U Emo?

I learned a new term this weekend. I gave a baby shower (yes, that would be my second this week but the other was for the Sarcastic Journalist ) for a friend's daughter and ended up having 21 people plus 5 college kids. Yes, my house was packed to the gills and rockin'.

My college age son came in from the gameroom scrounging for leftover baby shower food and somehow we ended up talking about kids who are "Emo." You've heard of goths and punks, right? Well, now there is Emo. Its been around awhile but obviously, I am a totally out of it, non emo-ing mom.

Click to see an EMO then click on the boy and the girl to see how to be emo.

One of my friend's daughters at the shower started saying how everyone is emo. That's when I realized she IS EMO herself. She has the blonde streaked hair hanging over one eye, wears very different and very interesting outfits, most which have a black theme. Don't get me wrong, she looks good cuz it all goes together and somehow works on her. But, don't watch for this over the hill momma to be going emo anytime soon.

My son said that these are the kids who are "emotional" about everything. They listen to emotional "my boyfriend/girlfriend left me" music and then cry and whine about how their parents bought them a Lexus instead of a BMW. Boy, that is sad. Emo's wear lots of make-up (guys too, but they are not gay necessarily).

No one over the age of 25 knew what Emo was when we started the conversation but every junior high kid there did. I also knew there was a Generation Gap but always prided myself on being on the "right" side of it. When you have become uncool, do you ever really realize it?

Gimme some H

Hormones.....what a wonderful thing. I am considering taking a bath in a vat of progesterone to see if it will make me any nicer. Maybe it will also make my boobs not feel like they weigh 25 lbs. each and like they just went 12 rounds with the heavy weight champion of the world.

Yesterday as the wicked hormones ensued throughout my body I actually had some road rage at a grandma. Okay, she was going 30 mph in a 40 AND put her turn signal on to make a curve in the road. I had to ride all up on her bumper and say terrible things like, "I'll bet when you bend over your boobs touch the ground first!" Okay, I'm ashamed.

Then a little farther down the road I see a man (where is the camera when you need it!) using a riding lawn mower as his vehicle, seriously, with a puppy sitting on the steering wheel AND the man forgot to put his teeth in. Welcome to Texas. At least through the red veil of raging H even I could see the humor in this.

I keep repeating to myself everytime I feel this way (yucky, fat, worthless and that I am a failure), "Its hormones!" and "No major life changing decisions today."

A Blogging Baby Shower!

You are Invited to a Blogging Baby Shower!

Please go to the The Sarcastic Journalist and participate in this first ever event. Even if you just send a card.

Don't forget to visit me at Person Of The Week

My 15 minutes!!

I have always wanted to be famous....I am the Person of the Week on

Melanhead so everyone go and visit and leave a comment! Of course, I had to find a pic of me I liked and then skew it so I lost 10 lbs. immediately! Ha!

Thanks, Melanhead - you made my week...

The Unplanned Life

I thought I had my Monday all planned out. I tend to have what I fondly refer to as my "Monday Morning Panic Attacks" anyway so having a day like yesterday sure didn't help.

I had to take the middle son to the doctor to get his eye checked out. The diagnosis was that he either scratched it or it was a bite. It was right near the tear duct. Here is what else I learned while I was there watching the waiting room t.v. and people watching.

Crocs are ugly. Only second to Birkenstocks. I don't care that they are comfortable. Fashion and comfort are NOT synonymous. Stop fighting that fact and accept it. My hubs finally did. When I would ask him "How do I look?" before going out he would answer, "Are you comfortable?" To which I would lambast him, "What the hell does that have to do with anything?? Do I look good??"

CNN announced that mobile phones blur the line between work and home. YA THINK?? Is that why I refer to the hubs Blackberry as his Crackberry??? And, he is an addict.

Hey lady with the way too long hair and bad dye job - Stirrup pants went out of fashion over 20 years ago. Are the seams still holding up after all this time? And the scotch tape that his holding your glasses together right over the bridge of your nose? Yeah, so not noticeable.

And, you people who work at the post office - no wonder people hate you and want to shoot you. Do you really think sorting letters all day and selling postage makes you that much smarter than the rest of the world? If I ask a question (and it was not a stupid question) then you should answer me nicely NOT in a smart ass voice in a volume level for all to hear.

I'm glad Monday is over.

When in San Antonio....

Back from a wonderful weekend. The weather was perfect - sunny, mid 70's with just a slight breeze. Perfect is the only word. On the way, we stopped at the Shiner Brewery. I figured I should pay homage to a drink I imbibe regularly. Next time you are in the store buying your favorite brew, pick up a six pack of Shiner Bock and know that you are drinking a little piece of Texas.

Our hotel was about 25 steps from the Alamo. The hotel is the tall building to the left.


We went to see the Imax movie about the Alamo. That's where I met this guy. He used to be a model for Foley's but got drafted by the Mexican Army. I'm thinking he was downsized due to the run-in he had with an ugly stick.

Saturday we decided to walk to the Mexican Marketplace, thinking it was just a few blocks. Well, we were only off by about a mile. I decided it would be a great time to check in....

Saturday night we went to a comedy club. I was having my doubts when the m.c. who was at least 70 opened the show and one his jokes was this:

"I still like porn even at my age. Except now I watch Debbie Does Dialysis" !! Hardy-har-har. Like I haven't had to hear every rendition of that movie all of my life. Luckily the next two comics were hilarious. Especially, J.J. Ramirez, the headliner. He brought up an obvious out of the closet dike of a lesbian onto the stage and made her play "The Dating Game" with three guys. My stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

Here are the things I learned while in San Antonio:

1. Don't go to San Antonio if you don't like Mexican food.
2. The Riverwalk is a major tourist attraction and very nice.
3. In January they drain the river and it becomes a giant pit of mud.
4. It isn't quite as romantic to sit next to a pit of mud and have dinner.
5. Walking by the Alamo at night can be a little scary.
6. Watermelon margaritas are quite tasty.

Two Words

Romantic. Weekend.

No. Kids.

Sleep. Sex.

Okay, okay, I know its more than two words but the inspirations just kept coming! Have a great weekend....I know I will!

Miscellaneous

Yea Texas!!!!! Awesome game last night....wish I could say I even stayed up for it. We went to a football watch party but left by 9:00 to get the kiddos in bed. I was asleep by 10.

Just want to give a shout out to my sil. She moved down here to live with us at Thanksgiving (what? and I haven't blogged about it????) after a divorce. She wanted a chance to start over. Boy, has she! She has been working out hard, eating healthy, has lost 10 lbs., decided that her life's dream would be to become a flight attendant and has grown as an individual.

Well, she had two interviews yesterday with an airline. I am so proud of her! She has really worked hard and its paying off. Now I have to keep my fingers crossed and pray hard for the next week and hope she gets selected for training. Even if she doesn't, she is going to do well at whatever she chooses. She has started to make not just outer changes but inner ones that are going to make the biggest difference in her life.

I grew up with just brothers, no sisters and of course, am surrounded by males in my own home. I was a little nervous about sil moving here. Would we get along? How would this work? Well, its been great. She is a clean freak and I'm not but want my house clean so thats been awesome! I think we have become very close and I have thoroughly enjoyed the company and the feeling of having a sister without all the hair pulling fights and her stealing my boyfriend.

Anyone have any nightmare stories about a relative moving in with them???

Stream of Consciousness

Ride along and go with me over the past few days....

Went to the Museum of Natural Science and saw the Mummy Exhibit. We got to watch a 3-D video wearing cardboard glasses that made everyone in the room look like big dorks and they showed how they x-rayed a mummy to study it. The mummy that they did the MRI of was only 5'4" tall. The narrator says, "was this a man or woman mummy?" right as the MRI camera goes over the biggest shlong you have ever seen. This thing is dangling almost to the knees of this dude. My 8 year old is sitting next to me and I couldn't help but giggle and say, "I'm thinking thats a boy." He says, "Yeah, I think so too."

Also advertised at same museum at the Imax movie theater, "Beavers! Biggest Dam Movie Ever" I was lost at the word beavers, sorry, mind is totally in the gutter. The boys start talking then about "I love beavers!" Me, the mom, is choking and slowly dying while the whole beaver conversation continues....

Hubs and I are going out of town this weekend. I gave him as a Christmas present a weekend for two. Count 'em - two. No kids. Hotel. That equals guaranteed hot sex. With me. So, last night I whisper as I get into the bed "We should not have sex until this weekend!" He answers, "Okay." Then I'm all peeved, "What? Okay? You aren't going to argue and try to do me right now? What's wrong with you?" You would think this poor man would have figured out by now he cannot win for losin'.

My life what a fun ride.....

*** Ditsy Chick also blogged about Beavers - weird weekend, huh?

I'm It!

I've been tagged.

Five Weird Things About Me: (must I limit it to only 5? There are a plethora of weirdnesses about me.)

1. I like to make chocolate milk and then put powdered coffee creamer in it. It doesn't really mix in, more like clumps but I like the flavor of it.

2. I like old time country music (Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard), alternative stuff (Enya, the Proclaimers, Crash Test Dummies) and rock'n'roll. I like All American Rejects and Linkin Park.

3. I do not fart in front of other people. For the longest time I had my middle son convinced that girls DON'T fart at all. He came home from school one day amazed cuz a girl in his 2nd grade class farted out loud. Thanks little 2nd grade girl - you blew my freakin' cover.

4. I put my make-up on my left eye with my left hand and my right eye with my right hand.

5. According to my husband, my mutant super power is my sense of smell. I can detect bad breath or farts from incredible distances.

There you go. Weird but not dangerous, that's how I would describe myself.

If you read this post than consider yourself tagged!

The Mountain

I saw the movie Brokeback Mountain yesterday. You know the one. Its garnering all sorts of nominations and is known as the "gay cowboy" movie.

The movie was well attended by lots of men and women who are let's say...playing for the other team. I went with two women (sil and friend) and I am sure now that everyone at the movie assumed we were also lesbians.

I stashed tissues from brunch into my purse cuz on Friday night two of the people at the dinner party I went to were gay partners. The one guy had already seen the movie 3 times! He warned me to bring kleenex.

It is a very different, yet good movie. I didn't cry during the movie. I was a little disappointed. I was READY to cry and felt a little ripped off. It was a very good movie though and we discussed different parts of it all the way home. Here comes the interesting part. After I got home I felt the need to tell my hubs the entire movie. During my retelling, I cried twice.

This story Brokeback Mountain is a love story. Its a love story like any other. Our main characters cannot be together though and that makes it heart breaking. Its not just a story about being gay so please don't let that stop you from seeing it if you are a homophobe. If you are a homophobe please don't visit my blog.