Sunday, May 25, 2008

Odds 'n' Ends

Hope your holiday weekend is a good one.

I have learned a few things in the past couple of weeks that I thought were worth sharing.

1. When hosting a professional society luncheon, do not only offer fish. Some people don't like it. At all.

2. When speaking at a professional society luncheon learn how to handle a laser pointer. When you would like to emphasize a point along with your slide presentation do NOT jiggle and wave the laser pointer like a mad man. The audience must look away or risk the onset of a migraine. Or seizures.

3. Again, to food. When offering chicken as the professional society luncheon entree - it is unnecessary to cook the chicken for 6 hours or until it reaches the consistency of leather. I appreciate your need to irradicate the salmonella but there is a happy medium here. Find it.

4. When I am charged $35 for these professional society lunches it would be nice to have something edible. Consider Subway next time. It would be better then what I have eaten at the last three.

5. Someone at a large chain style bookstore, left her X-small black thong in the bathroom. Why? I could not peruse the books after that in quite the same way. I kept wondering what person around me was overtaken in the ladies room by the need to go commando. A thong novice? Did the feeling of a wedgie cause her to go over the edge?

7. Gas and food prices are making me seriously reconsider some of my driving and buying choices. I watched a guy at the store the other day buy $21 worth of bing cherries. I almost tapped him on the shoulder because I don't think he realized this. They were $9 a lb.! I love the cherries myself, but I will not pay that much. I bought 2 apples (instead of a usual 5 0r 6) just because I don't want them to go to waste. Have the higher prices made you make any changes yet?

Friday, May 16, 2008

Worth Clipping

I have discovered something quite troubling. It has actually troubled me for a while. It was something best not spoken aloud or in public.

Collections. All people seem to have this trait in common. We all are collectors of something. Spoons, teacups, stamps, coins, guns....the list is limitless. My husband admitted to me while we were dating that he had a rare edition of Penthouse magazine. It was the first one to NOT have staples in the pin up poster. I'm quite sure my retirement $$ is sitting in my garage in his locker from college.

My children went through the Pokemon phenomenon. "Mom, this is a RARE card!" Again, the money spent on these cards could have easily paid for college. Where are they now? Chewed by the dog, sucked up by the vacuum and thrown in the bottom of the toybox. My children's sole definition of mint is what I give them during church to keep them awake.

I am sure there are more disturbing collections out there but there is one that has reared its ugly head several times in my life.

We have a group of friends who we have had dinner with every other month for over 8 years now. Many times we play games or have a theme. One night, years ago, the theme was a game. The game was to turn in ahead of time two things that no one would ever guess about you. There are 6 couples in this group. The time came to read aloud and try and guess who had submitted what and it was quite surprising.

I was the loudest gasp when this "truth" was read: "I used to have a collection of my own finger and toenails." OMG! Who would do that? Who would do that I am eating dinner with....or by???

A few more truths later and this was read: "I used to own a collection of my finger and toenails." WTF??? Two of my friends in this small group turned in the same answer!

I had never heard of this or EVER felt compelled to keep my clippings upon their removal. Since then, I have had this aberration occur at least 3 more times. Once was even by one of my own children! Upon clipping, he asked to keep them for "his collection."

No, no way, no how, was my firm response. I kept a lock of hair from each of my children from their first haircut. I do not care to scrapbook or memorialize toe jam. So, the big question - what is the weirdest thing you ever collected and/or did you have your own collection of clippings?

I will go first - I had an extensive collection of unicorns. Until some guy told me they were all phallic symbols.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Mother's Day

This weekend is a high holy one. Mother's Day.

I have already mailed my mother her gift. I am thankful that I have a mother to send a gift. Of course, my mother is very lucky since she has a daughter. Over here in my house, the house of 3 boys and a man, no shopping has even started.

What do I want for Mother's Day you ask? I have simple tastes. I don't want flowers. Or chocolates. Or even jewelry.

I would love it if:

*my boys gave me a card with a note saying they would vacuum and wash my car.
*offer to spend the day with me - take in a movie or lunch and just HANG.
*make a pretend gift card for a "chef and clean up crew for the evening". I honestly wouldn't care if they fixed a frozen pizza - it is the thought that counts.
*Write me a letter.

I did come up with a plan for Mother's Day that sounds perfect (keep your fingers crossed for the weather to be nice) and that is a day at a state park, with our bikes, cooking out and just relaxing.

Honestly, the two guys below captured my household perfectly and this video says Happy Mother's Day better than I can.