Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Dog In The Box

You must know this about me. I love dogs. I own three right now. I love to watch Animal Planet and I even worked for two different veterinarians at different times in my life. I grew up with horses, dogs and cats and have always, always had a pet. During Hurricane Katrina I ended up donating more $$ to Pet Saving Causes then the Red Cross.

I am upset right now. On the side of the road near my son's school is a dead dog that someone obviously threw from their car. They must have taken the time to put him in a box because you can tell it was a box but is now all torn apart. He looks like a beagle mix.

Was this a beloved family pet? Did he die of natural causes? Where's CSI when you need them? They could tell me who the dog had sex with last, what he ate and how he voted. Seriously, did the parents (or parent) tell the kids, "We are going out to bury Fido, sweetie. Be right back!" Then they tossed him because they were too lazy to dig a hole?

I have watched him go from a bloated rigot mortis state to now flacid and flattening. I feel sorry for the little pooch. I'm sure he deserved better than to be thrown on the side of the road like trash.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Men...And Their Weirdness

Here are some questions that I have about the opposite sex. Can you tell who's been with all four of her menfolk this holiday weekend???

1. Why do men insist upon backing into a parking space? Is it just to show they can?

2. Why do men pee standing up? Is it just to show they can?

3. Why do men not care if they burp or fart in public? Most act like everyone around them should applaud instead of being appalled.

4. Why do women not feel the need to get down on the ground at a family gathering and wrestle?

5. Why is it men do not care if they have a belly yet they can lose the weight in a heartbeat unlike us X chromosomed people?

6. Why is it my mind ponders, worries, and wanders yet when I ask one of my menfolk what they are thinking it is either "nothing" or "I'm hungry."

These are the questions that keep me up at night. My hubby is sound asleep by the way.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Interesting word. Giving thanks family. Dad, who likes to keep the house around 85. And, no I was not having a hot flash, it really was that hot. Like stifling. My mother, who is constantly asking me what I drink? book? It is nice to get waited on. Two brothers, who make sure my head never gets too big.

Okay. It was fun. We got up T-day morning and had our own Turkey Trot. Last year in Dallas a small faction of the us ran the real 5K Turkey trot. This year we did it in Oklahoma. No, there wasn't 25,000 people like last year, just 5 and a carload of cheering kids. Very fun and made me feel like I could eat whatever I wanted the rest of the day.

Then the next day we all went to the movies. 3 car loads of people. 4 different movies. We covered all tastes, Chicken Little, Pride & Prejudice, Harry Potter and Rent. Romance, Comedy, Aids, and Magic all in one day!

Today was the long ride back. Rainy and yucky most of the 450 miles. Two cars and pulling a U-Haul full of SIL's stuff. She is now ensconced in the garage apt. I think she and the cat like it. Now I need a vacation from the holiday.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Being Thankful

I will be leaving soon to spend the Thanksgiving holidays with my family. No, it doesn't feel like the holidays yet. How can it be time for another T-giving and Christmas?? Time keeps going faster and faster the older I get. I noticed this as soon as I had my first child that all of a sudden the clock sped up!

I recognize that this is probably a special year. It may not be the last but who knows what the following year could bring? This year we will all be parents, my brothers and their families, even my hubby's sister who he is driving down this minute from Penn. to meet us at my folks house. I am even grateful that we are in a position to help her out by having her move here with us.

I wonder how many good years I will have with my parents. They are 69 and 67, in good health right now. But I can see it coming. My parents are getting old. I am so thankful for this year that they are active, healthy and I am still a child when I go to their house. I dread the time that we will switch places and I will be in charge.

My brothers. Two greater guys you could not meet. We truly enjoy kidding around with each other and get very excited when we know that our families will be coming together. They were considerate enough to marry women that I could love too and become close too. Because it's all about me, ya know!

I am thankful that we do not have to worry about being bombed while we eat since we don't live somewhere like Afghanistan. I am thankful that we have plenty to eat. In fact, thats my worry is that I will completely bust my diet, not that we won't have enough food.

No one is terminally ill or fighting any kind of cancer in my family. That is a huge thank you!! I feel like every day that my family is healthy is another gift.

Time is marching on and I know it won't always be like this. But on this day, I am thankful.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Cats and Dogs? Or More?

Can we all agree that there are some major differences between men and women? I am talking about more than just penises and vaginas here.

Let me give you an example....this weekend we went on a retreat with our church in the Hill Country. It is gorgeous and all the way there I tell the hubs that all I want to do is go hiking. More than anything else, I want to go hiking. He was all okay, sounds great.

Saturday dawns cool and clear. So beautiful it just took your breath away. Once we finished with the keynote speaker and group photo, we were on our own to do whatever we wanted. We canoed down the river and kept talking about going on our hike. We even invited another friend along. All set right? We went to lunch with the plan still in place. Now we did not set a specific time or anything just some time after lunch.

Hubs and youngest son left lunch before me. I needed to go and change into my hiking shoes anyway so I went back to our room. I changed and then waited. And waited. And waited. After almost an hour, Hubs reenters the room all sweaty and blowing hard "Whoo! We just went on a super hike!"

Imagine my shock. Imagine my surprise. No, try harder really. I don't think you are imagining hard enough. Now imagine my pissedoffedness. "What do you mean you went on a hike?" At this point I am like a cat toying with the innocent mouse who is smiling and all happy like, not realizing that his fate is sealed. He and our youngest and the other friend went on the hike....without me. Me, who's idea it was to go on the hike in the first place! All the while I had been sitting and waiting for them. He says, "Are you mad?" Silly question, silly mouse. "Hell, yes I'm mad!! It was the one thing I wanted to do today!!" To that he replies, "I'll go again with you." To which I reply, "Please do not patronize me like I am some kind of child." Then he said something like, "then don't act like one." This mouse just doesn't realize the danger that he is in now does he??? There is a wise old saying, "if the momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

I left the house we were staying in and actually hid in the back garden with my book that I could no longer concentrate on and read. I fumed and fussed to myself. Then I got mad at myself. I feel like I have spent almost my entire life waiting on other people rather than doing what I want. Of course, I call it being a sacrificing, "good" mother. I considered going hiking by myself but then had visions of falling and breaking my ankle out in the woods, or being bit by a snake or getting lost.

I berated myself for not doing more with my life and just sitting on the sidelines. What am I so afraid of? Why do I wait for others before doing what I want? No one asks me to wait. When I crept back into the room, hubs was taking a nap. Obviously, he hadn't lost any sleep over the subject. Don't think too badly of him. He really didn't mean to hurt my feelings or ruin my day and I know that. Okay, I'm not totally letting him off the hook but still I blame myself more.

Luckily, another lady from church walked by me and said she wanted to go on a walk so we went hiking together. We had a wonderful hour and a half walk and even walked a labyrinth, visited and got to know each other. God had a plan and now in retrospect I am glad things worked out the way they did. Still, there is a lesson there. I want to stop putting my life on hold, thinking that makes me a better mother. It doesn't--it just makes me a pissed off martyr with nothing to show for it.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Signs of Desperation

For a long time now I have wondered what to do with my life. Think along the lines of "what do I want to be when I grow up?" Yes, that is what I am dealing with. It doesn't take much for me to feel lonely and bored. I am very high maintenance this way.

Today was a slower than usual day. I am not good with too much time on my hands. I get depressed and begin sending out invites to my pity party. I think I now recognize when this is coming on though by these telltale signs:

1. Need for Starbucks Chantico (it is like bathing, eating and having sex in a cup of warm dark chocolate - gets me hot just thinking about it again.)
2. Trying to have a conversation with the drive thru girl at Starbucks.
3. Trying to have a conversation with a toothless homeless person.
4. Trying to have a conversation with the Japanese tailor who speak vely rittle English.
5. Trying to have a conversation with an 8 year old. Ex. "How was school today?" answer, "Mom, why do you always have to ask me that?"

The Wave

Yesterday while driving down a very busy road I was behind a teensy little red truck. All I could see of the driver was that it looked like a man and he was kind of hunched over. We were stopped in front of a store and a woman in a big black SUV wanted to pull out. The guys arm came up in a wave. The lady inched forward a little bit and the man's arm came up again. She forced her way in front of him.

The next time the man's arm came up instead of his hand being in the traditional wave position, he flipped her the bird! Not 20 seconds after that his arm came up in a regular wave again!

It was some kind of twitch! Or Tourette's! and I can only imagine the words that were coming out of his mouth.

Give someone a wave today....hand position is at your discretion.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Facing the Facts

Monday, November 14, 2005

Camping Fun!

Recently went on a family camp out with the "high on incense" scout group. Right away my family was set apart because we chose not to incorporate the family part into our camp out. Due to a scheduling conflict my husband could not come until later that afternoon (then I would head home) so I went and set up the tent. This camp site is less than 10 miles from my house. That's like camping in my own backyard. There is nothing neat about this park, no hiking trails, big rocks to climb on or anything, unless you count 4 port-a-potties and a dry creek bed as exciting. Also, I cannot sleep on a camp out. I have tried all the remedies: a fan, separate mattresses, cold medicine and copious amount of liquor. None work. I spend the entire night either looking at my watch or asking my husband to look at his (hence he doesn't get a lot of sleep either).

I have gone camping anyway when it is to a cool spot or we coordinated with a group of friends to go. This boy scout group though, well, let's just say they ain't my peeps.

Let me give you an example, one family is setting up their tent. They have not been there long but their little girl is head to toe dirt smudges already. She is cute anyway and a friendly little thing. The mom and dad start telling her to get in the tent and lay down for a nap. Now, I know and I am sure you do to that no two year old is going to lay down in a tent outside in a place they just arrived 20 minutes ago and GO TO SLEEP. The dad proceeds to drag the little girl, who is now crying, into the tent by her arm and then commences to yelling at her, "Dry it up! Get your ass laid down!"

Ahem. Its a tent. WE CAN HEAR YOU, ASSHOLE! I knew then the husband was going to be in for some fun that night.

A little while later one of the other parents tells her crying 18 month old, "Oh tell it to your therapist when your older!"

I can't believe I never used these lines on my children!! Obviously, I have done it all wrong.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Stuck on the Other Team

I am knee deep in planning the going to be 13 year olds birthday party. It is a boy/girl party and yes, we will be on high alert for any spinning bottles. Today, while I am borrowing a karaoke machine for it from a friend her daughter spills the beans on my son.

Seems that he is "going out" with a super cute cheerleader girl (SCCG). I am like the last person in the world to find out. Of course, this girl is coming to the party. Her mother is the only person who emailed me to RSVP. I didn't even put RSVP on the invite cuz nobody does that anymore anyway. Now it makes sense why she did. Cuz she knows about it. I am the only person who didn't know.

Boys don't tell you squat. They don't give good details about "situations" and they don't get the "dirt" about anything. Most of the time they do not care. But, I am a girl. I love the dirt, the skuttlebutt, dish baby, dish!! Many days I feel like I got put on the WRONG team. Being the mother of three tight lipped, clueless boys just isn't good for getting all the gossip. Its great if you like burping, farting and watching A LOT of action movies though.

Back to the story....I get home from the friend's and of course, can't wait being the girl that I am to tell son that I know he is going out with SCCG. He shrugs, grins a bit and SAYS NOTHING. I then press on, why didn't you tell me? "I don't know" (btw, that is a pretty standard answer around my house - for anything!). Did I leave it there?? No! I press on, Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you tell me, until he finally tells me that I am getting on his nerves! The nerve of him!!!

Where do I sign up to be traded to another team?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I'm Hearing Voices

Started (another) new diet this week. Even when I start anymore I am not sure I even believe myself. This time I am trying They give me what I should eat (based on my personal profile), shopping list and menus. Menus you can change to fast food if you are eating out - what do they think I only eat fast food if I go out to eat???

Here's the deal. Its the voices that start in my head. While I am out walking/running this morning. When I would run the voices would start telling me that I COULD walk. I don't HAVE to run and walking burns calories too.

Then when my stomach starts to feel deprived here they go again....chocolate would be good, and you deserve chocolate cuz you been so good today, or how about a frappuccino with whip cream??? Starbucks is on your way to everywhere and you really need one! SHUT-UP is what I want to scream at them!!

The voices keep me from being successful in losing these 7 pounds. It doesn't matter if its 47 or 7 they are all hard to lose. The voices are driving me crazy. It makes me feel so angry at myself that this kind of self-talk runs my life. The voices can keep me down in other ways too. They talk me out of all kinds of things....acquiring new clients, writing my novel, even calling my friends some days.

I know I am not psychotic or anything but really the voices are killing me.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Update on the Devil Child

I'm happy to say the devil has been exorcised from my house...with antibiotics. David had a sinus infection that had been coming on for the last month. Do you ever reach that point where you ask yourself, "How many weeks HAVE I been doling out the sudafed, dimetapp etc.??

David got put on antibiotics last Friday and already by Monday his teacher told me "big difference!"

Thank you to all who sent good advice and pep talks. I had emails regarding testing and therapy and here is where I am with all that. I have a problem with labeling him. First of all, because he is not in public school so a label there will get you special teachers but not where we are. Second, I don't want him treated differently. Third, I truly believe he will not test out as "anything." I read two books about Aspberger's Syndrome and in the "tests" there he would only hit about 50% of the criteria.

He is not hyper or ADD or mentally whacked. He is a bit introverted and shy but the last I checked that was not a crime or a disorder. It makes it harder for me cuz I am extroverted and anything but shy. I tend to put him into situations that I would like but he doesn't. I am learning to do better at that kind of stuff.

He is a sweet, lovable, incredibly smart kiddo. He looks at the world differently and two years ago my husband and I decided that we didn't want him to be punished for that and so the quest for the "right" school commenced. We found it. A warm, nurturing environment with small classes. They get to study with not only their listening skills but also using their hands and art and all kinds of stuff. They even have animals. There's a deer, goat and sheep for the kids to pet on the playground (penned up). All classes have a class pet and gardening is also a big deal there. Heck, David stays after one day a week to attend a cooking class he signed up for. Its a wonderful place where they kids are all valued and treated as successful. Many of the kids there I recognize as kids who would probably get eaten alive in a large public school setting. Thank God they have found a place where they do not have to worry about getting beat up or made fun of.

Raising kids has got to be the hardest job on the planet. But when you see that smile or know you did good, the paycheck is better than any corporate job out there.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Prima Donnas

There are a lot of problems in this world. The Iraqi War. The whole democrat and republican thing. Dick Cheney ever hiring someone named Scooter...Well, I have a beef and a problem with Prima Donnas. What is this? Oh, you know one, probably several. You may even be one. They are those people who act like all the rules in the world are out there for everyone else to follow. Not them, though, they can do whatever they want cuz they are Prima Donnas who are better than everyone.

Oprah has become a Prima Donna and she is starting to get on my very last nerve. The other day she took us on a tour of her new mansion in Santa Barbara. We got to see Oprah's bathroom. I even got to see the toilet that she sets her naked butt down on to pee. She has a chaise lounge in her bathroom. Then she dramatically has to go on and on with her designers about how lovely it is to rest and relax on her "shaze". Then Oprah also had her own personal make-up artiste (who happened to be flamingly gay) on there and told us all that we had probably not had make-up on since last Christmas. Oprah thinks that she is the only one smart enough to wear make-up AND wear it correctly. I personally did not think the man who does her make-up does his own very well. He had way too much blush on.

Here is my real beef: the Prima Donna's who get in the drop off line at school. Its a drop off line, not a "Wait, while I get Precious out and walk her up to the door" line. Do you know how close you are to having my SUV rammed right into your Lexus/Hummer/Volvo?? AND, don't give me that shrug and look like, "I'm the Grandma and I don't know how this is done but I have to walk little Timmy all the way up to the door!" That shit don't cut it with me, Grandma. Park your stupid car in a parking space and then walk as slow as you want but don't go through the drive - thru drop off lane!!!!

I guess Oprah wouldn't do a show on it but her butt kisser, I mean, friend Dr. Phil could.

Friday, November 04, 2005

High on Incense

We are new to boy scouts this year. (we meaning David - already been through b.s. with the other two) He had a meeting last night at the leaders house. I walked in and thought I had gone through Dr. Evil's time machine. I did that little leap he does too and my mini-me was David.

Seriously, this lady had shit hanging down from the ceiling like macrame and shells. But the biggest things was the incense. It was like a dense fog in there. I sounded my foghorn to safely make it into the living room. I couldn't hardly breathe! Do people really like the smell of sandalwood? What the hell is sandalwood anyway?? It does kind of smell of stinky old shoes burning.

The cute little scouts in their uniforms were all sitting around this coffee table and all that I could think was "When do they start passing around a big fat reefer?"

No wonder I never made it passed being a Brownie. Totally shagadellic.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Lost the Receipt...

Got a phone call today. One of those lovely kind. From the youngest's teacher.

"David's anger is out of control. Today he got angry when he didn't win at Bingo and wrinkled up the card, threw it on the ground then told the other child, 'I am so mad I could curse."

There are things to be thankful for in that statement.

A. He didn't hit the other child.

B. He didn't really curse.

So much for trying to see the bright side. I am at my wits end with this kid. We are paying out the booty-hole for private school so that he can be in a "smaller and more individualized environment." He is very, very smart but that is combined with immature, tendencies to be narrow minded, and introverted. I read up on Asberger's Syndrome with this one but he only hit about 50% of the criteria. I home-schooled him for 4 months last year until we found this private school.

Think Rain Man. Okay, that's a bit extreme. But today it doesn't seem like it. When the teacher says, "things I try with the other kids, don't work with him." No shit lady. I had two other kids first so I know EXACTLY what you are saying. Part of me just wants to cry and crawl into a hole. I don't know what to do. Should I try some funky diet (don't laugh, I am considering it)? Should I take him to a professional (professional what I am not sure yet - counseling, testing etc.)? There are days I just would like to return him and get my money back.

He can be sooo good. Cute and funny. But that is usually just around us - his immediate family. Unfortunately, the rest of the world hardly gets to see that kid. A few of my friends really go out of there way to engage him and to those who read this...Thank you. From the very bottom of my heart I appreciate your attempts to draw him out and I know you have gotten that little reward of a smile or interested conversation from him. But I just don't know what to do...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What Is Too Old?

Just when is a kid too old to go trick or treating? I know I have 355 more days to worry about it but you can never start worrying too early.

Yesterday, oldest son calls and says he and some friends are going to probably walk around and trick or treat. My response, "You can't. You shave. You are a freshman in college, no one will think you are cute when they open their front door." Of course, I had declared myself the enemy at that point. My final knockout punch was this, "Besides, you have to have a costume. So what are you dressing up as?" Ha! He had no answer and had to concede defeat!!

Last night as I opened my door to age appropriate trick or treaters one mom who stood behind a group of kids held out a bag she was holding. I stopped grabbing candy out of my passout bowl and looked at her, yes, I looked at her like "What the hell do you think you are doing?" She smiles and says all cutesy, "This is for my daughter who pooped out earlier."

Here is what I would have liked to have said...."Lady, When your child is too tired then you stop trick or treating and GO HOME! Now you are begging and thats just wrong!"

My youngest got tired pretty early. I didn't send the husband back out and tell him "Don't come back until that bag weighs at least 10 lbs.!!"