Wednesday, May 30, 2007


What is MADS?? Mothers Against Drunk Swimmers - read on to understand

Day Two of the Romantic Weekend:

The hubs and I decided to try and find a New York Style Pizza by the Slice place we had seen in the aforementioned beach town (sorry to interrupt this program but legally I must inform you that you should NOT take directions to anywhere from me). I recommended making a right out of hotel. Did I mention that we were on foot? Did I mention it was bright and sunny and I have 0% pigment in my skin?

After about 35 minutes of walking, we walked ourselves into a store that sold melanoma-NO! (also known as sun screen) and applied liberally.

"Hmmmm, I thought it was this way" was said many times in additonal 25 minutes of walking. At this point, defeat was admitted and we turned around to walk the same hour back to our hotel. We ate a beachside style hamburger, instead of a NY style slab of pizza. Once we made it back to the hotel the swim up bar was screaming my name and we ran down to the pool.

Sipping sensibly on our margaritas we watched a family that we had noticed the day before. Perfect and nuclear - one mom, one dad, one boy, one girl. Then I noticed that the mom came and sat down on the edge of the pool, in her clothes. I knew her butt was going to have a ginormous wet spot on it when she stood back and up and made a mental note of "Hmmm, that's weird". Then I realized I had seen the dad griping at the waitress because she was out of Malibu Rum.

Something about this family kept making the hubs and I stare like visitors to the zoo. The family had finally gotten their stuff altogether and were ready to leave the pool area. That's when I realize that the mom CANNOT STAND UP. She was drunk, wasted, shit-faced, plowed, bombed, you know, three sheets to the wind. The son (age 12?) is trying to help her up and she cannot do it. Then when she does finally get up, we all got the pleasure of seeing her now totally wet ass. I do not even know these people and I was incredibly embarassed.

The hubs says that he saw the dad argueing with the waitress about the lack of Malibu Rum and the girl told him "You drank the whole bottle!". The mom had to sit down again on a chair while the boy and girl waited. Finally the family made their way out of the pool area.

I hope these people ordered room service and did not climb into the family van in search of dinner. I can't even imagine the permanent damage done to these kids. It was obviously NOT the first time they'd had to help mom and dad back to their room.

Oh and we went back in our car to clock our mileage. We walked a little over 5 miles that day. The pizza place? It was the opposite direction, not even an 1/8 of a mile!

Monday, May 28, 2007

Even I was Aghast!

Since it was our anniversary and since we have a child old enough to be "in charge," the hubs and I headed to the beach for a romantic weekend. I made reservations at a very nice hotel that had a great pool with a swim up bar. We spent Saturday poolside, sipping on margaritas, in between calling the boys and saying things like, "have you let the dogs outside?", and "well, he wouldn't cry if you wouldn't yell at him," and "wake your brothers up and make them take care of you."

On the advice of the hotel concierge, we decided to visit an upscale nightclub called "21" on Saturday night. Being the old farts that we are, we arrived about 8:15pm and the place was practically empty. It was very nice, tables around the outside of the dance floor but also some interesting upholstered chairs and sofas in the middle of the room and a stage for the band. The place began to fill up quickly and we were happy to have grabbed a couple of the nicer chairs.

A foursome showed up and took the sofa and two chairs in front of us. The two ladies were black and made Venus and Serena Williams look like normal sized people. (I am only giving you skin color so you can truly picture the evening along with me)The two men they were with were white. The ladies had on what looked to be wedding rings. I assumed they were married to the two men, who also sported wedding rings. The two girls sat in the middle and the men on either side.

In the meantime, another group of partiers (all white and who had obviously started quite early and were getting way past drunk!) accosted, I mean, befriended us. Peggy and Angie were the most outgoing in the group and were quite chatty.

Then the band started. One of the amazon girls got up and danced a slow dance with the other girl's "husband" and I was a little startled at how close together they danced and where they placed their hands on each other. If one of my friends danced with my husband like that we would be exchanging some words like "Hey Bitch, get your hands off my man's ass!"

The other group, Peggy and Angie especially, kept asking me and the hubs to dance, so we did. Then Peggy grabbed the remaining black girl and made her come up. Well, the two of them started dancing and really the term "dirty dancing" doesn't EVEN cover what was happening on that dance floor. They caressed each other's lady lumps and bumped each other in their **whisper** privates!!!

The hubs and I were dancing nearby. Okay, I may have reduced my movements down to a slight sway as I went into shock. As we went back to our seat there was another couple who had sat close to us and I couldn't stop myself but said to them, "I am just a mom of three kids who is in a little over her head out there!" They busted out laughing and said the look on my face was hilarious when I was on the dance floor watching the girl on girl contortions.

The two amazon girls then switched male "friends" and proceeded to rub, lay their legs over and caress the opposite guy they each came in with. The hubs informed me that he was pretty sure these were "Rental Girlfriends". You know... workin' girls.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

16 Big Ones

Sixteen years of paying bills, cleaning up after kids, doing laundry, moving state to state, a little bickering here and there...

Sixteen years of great sex, friendship, laughter, and watching our kids turn out to be awesome people...

Happy Anniversary to me and the hubs. I wouldn't change a thing if I could. Guess what he gave me this morning? A homemade coupon for 7 sets of matching bras and panties. It's one of my life goals - all together now yell "Check that one off the life list, Debbie!"

Monday, May 21, 2007

Not As I Do

There is a certain style of parenting out there that I can't stand. It is like the world's longest fingernails on the world's largest chalkboard for me.

Certain people come to parenting with a, uh....history. A past. Maybe they used to do drugs. Maybe they drank like camels. Maybe they were a wee bit on the easy side (and I don't mean easy going personality). Sometimes when these type of people become parents they turn into Uber-Parents.

"Oh, I KNOW what goes on out there so I am going to make sure Little Timmy doesn't do any of that. So, we threaten him with a fate worse than death every other day that he had better not be smokin' crack." Little Timmy could be four, hanging with his friends at the local Christian preschool.

Seriously, I am thinking of a certain individual right now that acts like this. Her child is 13 and not exactly in THAT group of kids. He is a nerd. There is no nice way to say this but he is. He doesn't get invited to boy-girl parties. He is a late bloomer who still could pass for a 5th grader. I doubt this kid is offered much by popular minded middle-schoolers, let alone drugs.

Put your "it happens to everyone" arguements away. That will be for a different post. The one entitled, "But my child doesn't look old enough or isn't popular enough to be this bad". We will cover that topic one day but not today. I can assure you this particular kids only addiction is video games and nacho cheese Doritoes.

My point is I find this type of parenting insulting to the child. I have never treated my children as if they WILL be bad because I did certain thing (and trust me I did! We shall save the car stealing, drinking and drugs for another post too!!). I have always treated them as if they WILL do the RIGHT thing and are smart and good. I think its ridiculous to hyper-parent just because YOU did something wrong. It does not predispose your kid to wrong doings.

Congratulations to TypeLittlea, Tink and Renee at FroggieMom for winning the CD's. I am in a hurry or I would put links here (sorry).

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Hello?? Anyone home??

After much begging and pleading (okay, I might be exaggerating just a tad) I have decided to come out of retirement. I am holding a contest but read on for more on that...

I know I talked about starting a new blog and maybe I did for all you know. Yeah, that's right, that's what I did and it's where I talk about crazy, monkey sex, wild drinking binges and nights filled with Ecstasy, more orgies....okay, well, you get the idea.
I have been busy working and trying to maintain my "Heatherishness" which isn't easy you know. In between the hard work of making phone calls and taking people to lunch, there are the mandatory pedicures, manicures, and shopping for clothes. There is also the tough job of updating my witty conversation in which to stun the customers which entails keeping up with all things topical like, American Idol, Lost, what country Brangelina and Madonna have adopted a child from today and what kind of sweet treat is Katie Holmes Cruise buying the set crew on her new movie. (note to anyone from the set crew reading this: check the candy for notes. I think this is how she is trying to secretly send messages to rescue her from "His Craziness" Tom).
Okay, here's the contest. The first three people to comment will win a mix CD of my favorite songs from my MP3 player. Please send me your email address so I can contact you and mail your CD - if you are the lucky winner!