Monday, July 30, 2007

The Paper Thong

God, is it really Monday already?? I have been crazy trying to keep up with work and then had guests for the weekend.

But, I have been besieged with requests for the paper thong story so here goes:

Whilst in Croatia, the husband was working for three days. I had to entertain myself somehow so decided to get a massage at the Wellness Center at the hotel. I signed up for a holistic massage - didn't really know what that meant but it sounded good.

I entered the spa area and the young woman showed me to the locker room, handed me a robe and plastic slippers and told me to change. I slipped out of my clothes and put on the ginormous robe (obviously it was a one size fits all - especially if you are at least 5'9" or so!) then shuffled in my plastic shoes back to the front. She showed me into a room with the prerequisite soft music, aromatherapy and dim lighting. She then holds her hand out and says, "Put this on."

I looked at the piece of tissue paper in her hand and then back at her. I couldn't identify what this thing even was. She dangled it open and stretched it out for me to properly see that it was a tissue paper thong.

"Uh, that's okay, I left my underwear on," I feebly protested.
She frowned, shaking her head, "No, you need to put this on!"
In the face of her Croatian dominance I did - after she left the room. Then I disrobed and jumped onto the massage table, covering myself with the towel.

She re-entered and began working on my back. For future reference, a holistic massage isn't designed to relax one or feel good. She worked muscles I didn't even know I had and my grunts of pain were obviously taken as a compliment to her efforts. Then she moved to my legs.
She flipped the towel back and I could tell a bit of my flossed derrierre was peeking out. Before I could do anything, she bent my leg at the knee and commanded that I relax (note: demanding I relax rarely does the trick). She then pulled my leg out to the side and began bouncing it. This whole time I am dying because there is a definite BREEZE hitting areas of me that don't normally feel a BREEZE.
After she had properly aired all of my parts, she then had me flip over. Of course, I am keeping the towel over the girls, modestly, but she just flips the towel down and begins working on my arms and chest. No, she didn't actually touch the girls, just all around them.
I kept telling myself that in America we are too uptight about nudity and to just relax and enjoy the massage. I am still trying to convince myself of that...
They really are much more accepting of nudity in Croatia and much of Europe. We went on a boat in the Adriatic Sea for two days - snorkeling! Yes, thats me!!
But, while out and about, we anchored in a swimming beach area. The hubs and I jumped out and snorkeling all the way up to the beach. That's when we realized that it was a nude beach.
The naked father and daughter (who was at least 10-12 years old!) playing football was yucky. I am sorry, but I will never be that comfortable with nudity. Several grandmas were making sure they had no tan lines and many men were stripped of their Speedos.
After awhile, we snorkeled at a more deserted area and my host was able to find and spear this octopus. They eat a lot of octopus in this part of the world. I had octopus salad once. It was okay, kinda chewy, tastes like chicken.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Back to Reality

I kept threatening to never return home. Why leave Paradise??

But, the hubs dragged me home by the hair and here I am thoroughly and pitifully jet-lagged. I could barely stay up until 8:30 last night (my body clock is 7 hours ahead) and then woke up and could not get back to sleep at 2:30 this morning.

Since I am brain dead - I will leave you with some photos.

The hubs in Rome next to the Colliseum.

Walking the wall in Dubrovnik, Croatia. Okay, I guess I am taking a break. There were a lot of stairs and my legs were aching the next day. But, look at the incredible water of the Adriatic!
As soon as I recover, I will tell you the tales of octopus hunting, wearing a paper thong and nude beaches!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Ciao all! Ooops, let me adjust my new fat roll over my pants. The food in Italia is so amazing I have gained I am sure 10 lbs.

Quick update: More to follow...

Venice was amazing by personal water taxi. The guy we hired took us through the Grand Canal and then once we hit the Lido area of open water really opened it up and we sped through while standing up on the back of the boat. It totally felt like I was in a The Italian Job or a James Bond movie. What would be my name if I was a Bond girl? Debbie Does Venice? Chickie Canal? Oh, I don't know! It was a blast and the perfect way to see Venice!

Florence was hot and crowded and next time I will travel to the Tuscany countryside. Rome was also hot and crowded but the Trevi Fountain was impressive as was the Sistine Chapel. Our personal favorite was the Colleseum, which got voted in as a New Seven Wonders of the World WHILE I WAS THERE!!!!

We are now touring Croatia where so far I know they love fish. I had about 5 different kinds at dinner. I don't have anything against fish but I am from the south were we love things that go oink and moo.

Gratzi and Arrivedecci!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Ramblin' Fever

Last night I went to see one of my all time favorite country music legends. I have literally loved his music since I was about 17 years old but I have never seen him live. There was a time a few years ago, I thought about buying tickets but then I was afraid that I would be disappointed because he would be OLD.
Well, since this is my summer of fulfilling items on my life list (remember, I am the bra and panties phenom and traveling to far away places!) I decided that we should just do it.
Merle came to the local race track. I begged, I mean asked two other couples to go. Both of the menfolk LOVE that Hag too. We figured we would all get there a little early and watch some horse racing.
We got there about the 8th race. Once I had a beer in one hand, I grabbed a racing form with the other. All the men were asking each other "who you gonna go with?". My husband, knowing me better than anyone else, came and asked me for my pointers. I told him which two would be "good money."
He bet on them both. I let him decide the order and how (win, place, show, exacta etc.). They loaded the horses (and these were quarter horses, might I add, can't help you with Thoroughbreds) then they were off and my two finished 1st and 2nd. Our friends now look at me like I have changed right in front of their eyes.
"Did I not mention that I grew up racing quarter horses and my dad and I hung out at the various tracks with our trainer?" I told them wide-eyed and innocent. My dad is a true horseman and knew a good piece of horse flesh. And, how to pick the ponies at the track.
After that the guys all did whatever I told them. I picked two horses in the next 5 races and everytime my horses were in the money. I was even shocking myself with my accuracy. There was a guy sitting at a table next to us studying racing forms and making notes. You could tell he was serious about it and another friendly (read drunk here) couple that had attached themselves to our party were asking him for tips. He said the #1 horse, I leaned back and said, "#3 is my favorite, and the #1 would be my second). In that race the order was 6, 3 and 1.
After I shoved all our winnings into my purse we headed towards the infield stage for Merle. It was 11:00pm by now and I was getting a little worried about Merle. Good Lord, the man is over 70! You know he needs his sleep....and maybe Metamucil.
Have no fear, when he hit the stage, he was all Merle. He's got so many hits he couldn't do them all but he did Big City and Okie from Muskogee which were crowd favorites.
He didn't do two of my personal favorites Misery and Gin and Sing Me Back Home which was a bummer but I couldn't stay mad at him. He is still a hell of an entertainer who loves what he does.