Monday, November 26, 2007

Believe it or Not

It's a crazy world we live in and I do believe, its getting crazier by the minute.

While listening to the radio the other day, I heard this story. It seems in Australia a Santa Claus company (one who provides mall Santas) decided that it was against company policy for their Santa's to say "Ho, Ho, Ho!" You see, the word "Ho" has become a dirty word in their minds. Synonymous with prostitutes. (Wouldn't Santa's profession trump the other Oldest Profession?) Their Santa's must say "Ha, Ha, Ha!" instead.

Well, if we are going to do that then the big man should go on a diet too. You know his cholesterol is through the roof. If it isn't healthy for small children to hear the word "Ho" then it sure can't be good to give them this example of a man who isn't watching his diet. And, while we are on think that red nose is by accident? Obviously, Santa is a drinker. He needs to cut back on the sauce if he's going to be around the kiddos.

Well, and if we are going to be picky then let's score one for the Fashion Police. Santa's outfit is outdated and tacky. Downright fugly.

Really, if Santa had any smarts at all he would have already thought of all this and hired a cracker jack team of p.r. people, image consultants and managers. He would be all beefed up, dressed in designer duds, drinking wheat grass smoothies and just downright sexy.

Like this guy. Hey, now. He can come down my chimney anytime...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Things I Learned This Week

It is Holiday Eve Week. Things are picking up speed as we blow right over Thanksgiving for Christmas. I heard Christmas music while at the grocery store LAST WEEKEND. Who will it take to end this trend of starting Christmas too early? Oprah? Can you hear me???

I learned a few things this week that I thought I would share.

1. Do not serve turkey, dressing, gravy and green beans at a luncheon the week before Thanksgiving. Why do menu planners do this? The schools do it to, like we all want to eat turkey everyday the last two weeks of November.

2. Do not use scatological humor when you are the keynote speaker. When I have a plate of food in front of me this joke is NOT appropriate - "I couldn't manage a fart while eating beans." Yes, I do believe the man was PAID to be the speaker.

3. I have friends I was not aware of and they are desperately trying to email me. My spam folder steals their emails and then I have to go every other week and clean out the 2,154 emails that have accumulated.
Why my system thinks I do not want to hear from Ethel Colon, Good Erection, Rocky Dickey (ouch!) and Brian DiCaprio (brother of Leonardo, obviously) I can't imagine.

4. Commercials for prescription drugs are out of control. There is one out right now for an inhaler and I do believe they have rushed this onto the market. Why? Because if you read at the bottom of the screen (the only reason I was able to was because we had DVR'd something) it says "We do not fully understand how XXXXX works". That's a little scary.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Pulp Non-Fiction

We went to a party a couple of weekends ago. It was on a boat. A surprise party for a friend. Adults only.

We left the dock at 5 and didn't return until 9pm. There was a lot of alcohol involved. And a band.

One couple looked normal at first glance. As the evening wore on they got stranger and stranger. I recorded the weird woman dancing with another guy at the party. Not her husband. This guy was kind of different himself. But as one of my friend's leaned over and whispered, "It's bad when the crazy guy at the party doesn't want to dance with you!"

Really, he is not dancing. I think he is trying to escape.

It's dark and not great video. But the weirdness still manages to shine through....enjoy.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Totally Cool

Things I used to think were totally rad, hot, COOL:

1. My Rally Sport Mini-Van. I actually thought that I looked pretty good in it. Must have been the mom hormones making me temporarily insane in the late 90's.

2. Big Hair. The 80's were totally my decade. (That is NOT me, but it could have been!! That girl has great mall bangs!!)

3. super skinny jeans. I used to wear these (a million years ago). I see people in them now and unless you are under 100 lbs. they do not look right. They make your feet look huge, and your butt look as big as Texas. (of course, not when I wore them!)

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Very Scary Halloween

Let me play out the conversation I had with college-age son this evening:

Chris: I think college girls' think Halloween means it's time to dress like a 'ho'.

Me: Oh no, not just in college. In our neighborhood last night I saw lots of junior high Pirate Ho's, Angel Ho's and Ho Ho's.

Chris: Well, my friend's girlfriend decided to go out dressed as a "Lingerie Model" and he was pissed.

Me: I can see why.

Chris: My girlfriend dressed as a "Sexy Librarian" but it was tasteful.

Me: I'm sure.

Chris: I'm just tired of girl's who dress like this and then get pissed when a guy touches them or is all over 'em.

Me: Kind of false advertising isn't it?

Chris: Yeah! It would be like me wearing a police officer's uniform and then when someone asked for help, telling them not to ask me, I'm just dressed like a cop. I think if you're gonna wear the uniform, be prepared to do the job.

Okay, that last line was priceless and I asked if I could use it. Chris said yes, but only if I quoted him (where does this boy get his sarcasm???).

"If you're gonna wear the uniform, be prepared to do the job."

This is not just for girls but boys who wear the super baggy, have to hold'em up, pants. Do you know where that trend comes from? Prisoners!! The prison uniforms would be so ill-fitting the dudes would have to hold them up!! Is this how you want your son or daughter to dress? Did you notice a definite sexy trend with Halloween this year?

"If you're gonna wear the uniform, then be prepared to do the job."