Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Missing What I Don't Have

I don't usually use my blog to whine or cry or rant. Okay, I bitch a little but I usually try and keep it light - right? ahem! I said, right???

Every now and then a sadness comes over me and threatens to consume me. I'm not a depressed person at all but every now and then a reference will be made to something and I will realize that I am deficient or don't belong. Why? Because I don't have a daughter. There. I admit it - I wish I could have had a girl. I put it down in writing.

I love all 3 of my boys and wouldn't trade a one of them. But every now and then I will simply ache because I didn't end up having a girl. I grew up with just brothers so I don't even have a sister. I grew up a fierce tomboy - rode horses, wouldn't put a dress on to save my life, even wanted to pee standing up - why? Cuz thats what the boys did! I know God gave me boys cuz thats what I am good at but....

Today while I was at the mall I saw all these cute, cute comforters that were obviously for girls and it made me sad that I don't have a girl's room to decorate.
I don't have a daughter to go shopping with and out to lunch.
I can't buy those matching mother/daughter dresses (Okay - I would never REALLY do that!)
I will never be the mother of the bride (I will just get stuck hosting the stupid Rehearsal Dinner).
My boys may spend more time at their wives' families than my own.
When my mom dies, I will miss her terribly. She is my only link to a mother/daughter relationship.

I tell myself that if I had a girl, she might not be the most popular, super cute girl anyway. Not every girl is a cheerleader. Maybe she would be more like this one.

My boys are great but they're boys, thru and thru. I am lucky that my husband is my best friend, he loves to shop with me and loves to see Chick Flick's.

When I think about growing old is when I get well, misty about it. I will statiscally outlive my husband. I won't have a daughter to come and visit me. Not that my boys won't. Of course, they will but the relationship between women is different. It would be somebody who would understand when I will gripe about the beautician at the nursing home and how she is making my hair look like a damn helmet. I know I will get a "deer in the headlights" look from the boys - but a daughter - she would know exactly what I meant.

My life is full and I have no reason to complain but still I wonder what it would have been like...


  • You will probably get at least one grand-daughter from one of your three boys. Just think about how much you could spoil her! :)

    By Blogger Melanhead, at 1/18/2006 8:46 PM  

  • See, I could totally see you being the cool mother-in-law who all the daughter-in-laws want to hang with. Why do I think this? One, I read your blog and think you are way cool already. And two, my mother-in-law is like that for me and she's in her 70s.

    By Blogger Crazy MomCat, at 1/18/2006 10:34 PM  

  • I have never wished to have a girl to replace my boys, but I completely worry about not having a daughter. I worry about everything you listed, will the boys call, will they write, come home and visit? And while I promise to be a good mother-in-law (I will bite my tongue, even if I have to bite it off), what if my daughter-in-law doesn't like me and takes my boys and grandchildren away?

    I like to think this won't happen because we are raising them to be decent, loving people and no matter what, they will love us and do what is right. There is also the cutting them out of the will axe we can wield if needed.

    Call me up, we can have a symbiotic pity party once this happens.

    By Blogger Ditsy Chick, at 1/18/2006 11:34 PM  

  • Since I have 3 girls and a boy, I never thought about what it would be like to have only girls or only boys. There are differences between them to be sure (mostly good, but some a pain in the neck). It's something to think about...

    By Anonymous tlc, at 1/19/2006 5:56 AM  

  • The thing you've got going for you is that you've got three boys. Odds of you alienating all three daughter-in-laws are pretty slim (especially since you'll be trying so hard not to). And really, granddaughters will be more fun anyway, because you can spoil them all you want and won't have to deal with the teenagers years, when girls tend to turn against their mothers.

    I have one daughter (no boys), and she hasn't turned on me yet, but I realize it could happen any day! Boys don't do that to their mothers.

    By Blogger The Gradual Gardener, at 1/19/2006 6:38 AM  

  • I'm very close to my Grandmother. My Mom was very close to her Grandmother. Your life won't be without the female-family kinship. One of those boys has GOT to have a little girl. :) I'm sorry you're blue today. I'm sending you all the good vibes I can to help you through your funk.

    By Blogger Tink, at 1/19/2006 8:04 AM  

  • I think about this often. I wonder how I will feel if I don't have a daughter. I wonder how I will feel if I don't have a son. I certainly don't hold your funk against you.

    One thing I plan to do when I am old is surround myself with Golden Girls-type women friends to bitch to. Perhaps that would help?

    And we're all here, right now!

    By Blogger Arabella, at 1/19/2006 8:22 AM  

  • It took my breath away to imagine not having my daughters. I wish for you wonderful daughters-in-law and fabulous granddaughters to spoil (who don't put their hands on their hips and declare, "You're not the boss of me"). All in due time.

    By Blogger Redhead Editor, at 1/19/2006 9:07 AM  

  • I won't allow myself to think about it. Truthfully, to get stuck having to go to ballet or cheerleading. Eeeww! What if she blames me for all of the physical characteristics she inherited from me but hates? What about when she's ashamed of a sudden weight gaine I have or my hairstyle? Nope. Not willing to live through the teenaged years. No me.

    By Blogger wordgirl, at 1/19/2006 9:25 AM  

  • I mean..."not me".

    By Blogger wordgirl, at 1/19/2006 9:26 AM  

  • I'm the opposite. I had 2 girls for 7 years and then threw a boy in the mix. I have to admit; I never once longed for a boy. But now that I have one, I'm enjoying the different experience of having him.

    By Blogger Renee, at 1/19/2006 10:19 AM  

  • Since I just had a daughter I can honestly say that I did want a girl. I have thought of those awful teenage years that I know are coming. Fights over what is 'appropriate' to wear out in public. Fear of her getting pregnant. Being down right rude to me as I have seen many girls do in my proffesion. She is sweet but there are some things that I know I just wouldn't have to worry as much about if I had a boy. I will tell you that I am as close to my mother-in-law as I am to my own mother. She and I have so much fun together and she is the mother of three boys as well! :)

    By Blogger Mama D, at 1/19/2006 10:45 AM  

  • I can relate to this so much. Having lost my mom in my teens, I miss the intimacy of a mother daughter relationship and while I want a baby, boy or girl more than anything, I would just LOVE to have a daughter.

    By Anonymous TB, at 1/19/2006 12:10 PM  

  • I read this last night and didn't have a chance to comment. Our desktop's power supply blew up last night and I wanted to comment on this post so badly I fired up our ancient laptop, which takes forever and a fucking day to load pages.

    Moving on. I can totally understand how you would feel like this. My Grandmother had three boys and while she loves them all dearly she has mentioned to me how she did really long for a daughter. Both my mother-in-law and my husband's step-mother have sons and I'm sure they too had moments when they wished for a girl. My husband was the first to get married and have children and when my daughter was born, his mother was just beside herself. At first I couldn't help but be a bit jealous of her relationship with my daughter, because my mother passed less than a year before she was born, but as time passed I saw it for what it is: a mother loving her granddaughter and enjoying a very special relationship with her, for she never had a daughter of her own. My daughter and my MIL have a beautiful relationship; they are very close and it truly does warm my heart to see them interact and love each other so visibly. My MIL once told me that being a grandmother to her was one of the best things that had happened to her in her lifetime. And although you don't have a daughter, one of your sounds is bound to go on and have a little girl and my hope is that you can look forward to a very, very special relationship with her.


    By Blogger mama_tulip, at 1/19/2006 2:42 PM  

  • I love having a boy and a girl. Yes, my daughter and I share a special bond and common interests which are really fun, but my son and I share a bond too that's not defined by liking the same things but by understanding each other, even though we're different.

    How it will all shake out in the long run, I have no idea. I'm just loving them now.

    Don't assume your sons will be any less attentive and loving to you than a daughter might have been. It's all about personality, not gender.

    By Anonymous V-Grrrl, at 1/20/2006 10:10 AM  

  • Oh PLEASE use your blog to whine and cry and rant!

    It's your right (and then I won't feel so alone).

    Hugs to you!

    By Blogger Brooke, at 1/20/2006 6:01 PM  

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