Things that make me go whee!

First of all, thank you for all the kind words about Sandy. I wore black on Monday just to honor her memory. And, told everyone I met that day about my horrible weekend. I am sure they appreciated it. (don't roll your eyes, I can see you, STOP IT!)

On to this week, how many posts can I have about things that irritate me? Obviously, many. I do believe it's limitless.

You are welcome to join in with anything that has irritated you this week. I may have overlooked something.

1. People who call shopping carts "buggies". Is there any other way to advertise that you are a hick from the sticks than using this term?

2. People who have to make a big deal about telling a blonde joke around me. I don't care and I don't get offended. It offends me more that you would think I would be offended. Or better yet, the person who wanted to tell an "off color" joke but was afraid that I was "too conservative" to hear it. WTF???? When have I ever given off those vibes??

3. People who drink White Zinfandel. This is not wine it is Kool-Aid.

4. People who use the word "classy". Trust me, if you have to say you are classy, the chances are pretty slim that you actually are. So sorry to be the one to break the news to you but hey, this is a public service announcement.

5. The word Cool. See #4 and apply the same rules.

6. T.V.'s everywhere I go. Tonight I had to put gasoline into my car while watching the GSTV (Gas Station Television) I feel so in the movie Minority Report.

7. People who keep track of the price of gas. I'm sorry. I put the freakin' nozzle in and buy the gas. I don't really care if I paid one or two more cents than someone else. I would rather keep track of the price of milk or eggs. (I paid $2.50 for a gallon of milk tonight! Beat that!!)

I'm out.

Good-bye to a Friend

Today started with a shock. I was up early and while working at my computer heard a noise. I thought maybe Sandy, my pug, needed to go outside. When I turned the corner, I saw her staggering. She fell over and I diagnosed it as a seizure. She'd had one before about a year ago.

I applied my "Dog Whisperer" learned calm and assertive energy, so as not to alarm her. I placed a towel under her head, moved her to the tile and placed paper towels under her rear in case she lost control of her bowels. Which she did. What I deemed a seizure went on for 10 minutes and I began to grow concerned, waiting for her eyes to refocus and her body to relax. I waited for her to grow more aware that I was there and that everything was going to be all right.

I am used to caring for her. I saved her almost four years ago from the pound. She had been hit by a car. She had a broken pelvis and a messed up right shoulder. I carried her everywhere for 3 weeks before her body began to mend and she started to live a normal dog life again. I initially said I would foster but after just one day, I knew she belonged to me. We bonded in that special way of patient and nurse, and she has always wanted to be the closest to me (we have Kipper and Bruno too). She wasn't the smartest of the three but she loved me beyond anything else.

We never knew how old she was. I would guess 7 or 8 now. I would love to know her story before she came to me but it's a mystery.

So, this morning, I cared for her, like I did before. But this time she didn't mend. She stopped breathing, she gasped, her leg muscles thrust one more time and then she was still. I called to her, I rubbed her, but I couldn't bring her back. She quite literally died in my arms.

My 14 year old and I dug a hole in the backyard in the rain and the cold. I don't remember feeling the cold. I don't really remember noticing the rain. The hubs is out of town so it was up to us to put Sandy to rest properly. The youngest was beside himself sobbing and sobbing.

Two dear friends came over and helped me. One made sure the hole was large enough and the other as a source of strength. Then they helped me carry Sandy one final time.

I wrapped her carefully in two towels. She looked like she was sleeping. Just yesterday, she was playing, eating and fine. All I can think is it was some sort of stroke.

I already miss her pug snuffle.

Working Girl

I started my new job this week and....I LOVE IT! Seriously, I think this is going to be a good fit - keeps me busy, out and about (not locked inside an office all day) and it will be fun.

It's been about 9 years since I was out in the "full-time working world." I thought one thing would have changed.

The use of the word IRREGARDLESS. Did a memo not go out to all people that this is NOT a word?? It is like nails on a chalkboard for me. I have to grit my teeth to not correct someone when I hear them use it.

I went to Louisiana yesterday and I knew I was there when the first person I met said, "Just ax him for your paperwork." Another nails on a chalkboard word for me. At least that one is just an accent? or maybe a dialect? or maybe they really do think the word is ax and not ask.

Irregardless, I have to ax my boss for Spring Break off. Is it bad to start a job and then immediately ask for a vacation?

Aiming High

I am all about education. Aim high! Reach for the stars! Dream big! Along those lines, let me ask this question - how many out there know how to use chopsticks??? Please be truthful. I don't care if you have ever picked them up and tried, I want to know, can you pick up a single grain of rice and without breaking a sweat bring it to your lips?

I cannot do it. I used to feel that people who did use chopsticks were being pretentious or showing off their prestidigitation.

I have read the little lessons (as seen at right) and tried and am totally retarded when it comes to this skill. Even my husband can do it and only uses a fork in deference to my handicap.

One time a waiter felt sorry for me and even bound the chopsticks together like they do for children. I was a little better off but still just felt like cramming my face into my pile of spicy shrimp and rice rather than use the "sticks of torture".

I was considering adding this to my "Goals for Life List". One of my other goals for life is having all of my bras and panties match (I know, I know - fly too close to the sun, you risk being burned, but I must continue to raise the bar!).

It's Hip to be Latino!

I don't know about your city but here in Houston where a large percentage of the population is Hispanic I have noticed a change.

The T.V. news anchors names.

There was a day that news anchors changed their names to easy to remember, easy to pronounce smooth sounding names. Like Gary England (a weather guy from my old state of Oklahoma - if you saw the movie Twister then you too have witnessed Gary England's relentless devotion to tornadoes). Or, Jennifer Reynolds, or Dave Ward. These are real anchors with really easy to pronounce names.

What I have noticed in the last couple of years is an embracing of the Latino names. And, saying them with all the tildes and trills in place. Why, the other night, while the hubs and I were watching the news we couldn't even understand what this woman's name was at all! She said her first and last name so fast and with so many unrecognizable inflections we both did a double take and then asked each other "What was her name?"

I have no problem with this other than I don't know the names of the news announcers any longer. I am considering taking my mother's maiden name to be on the front end of the trend. You see, her name was Salazar. I am practicing how to say it with every r getting a proper tongue trilling. I believe the trend now is to BE ethnic. Whether you are or not, just make something up.

Are you burdened with a boring old name like Smith? Just change the short i to a long one and maybe add a long e on the end. Nothing dusts off an old name like buying a few vowels! Last name Williams? Change the double l to a y sound like in tortilla. There you have it! A much more interesting and ethnic sounding name.


**Disclaimer** DebbieDoesLife does not promote or condone racial or ethnic slights, slurs or insults. She does condemn the media for turning anything into a three ring circus a/k/a trend of the moment.

Its all Spa-riffic!

For Christmas, the hubs gave me a gift card to a spa. There was a brochure included with the card so I have been drooling over the many services and trying to chose the perfect day in which to lavish my body with luxury.

It's amazing the number of services they offer and of course, since I don't do this very often I am very concerned about making the VERY RIGHT CHOICES!

Should I choose the Swedish massage, deep tissue massage, sports massage or the hot stone massage?

The hydrating therapeutic facial? the multi-vitamin facial? or the gentle, soothing facial?

I have had massages before, the last one was a few years ago in New Orleans. The hubs surprised me with a birthday trip AND he scheduled us for a couples massage. We changed into our white robes and then giggled when we saw each other again. We wanted to giggle when Hans and Franz came out to get us for our couples massage.

The massage was good. They did our fronts and then we turned over and stuck our face in the hole of the special table to get our backs done. Of course, you can't see each other at this point. Afterwards we were walking out and I just had to mess with my straight arrow, sweet, innocent husband.

me: How was your massage?
Hubs: Really good. What about you?
me: It was great! Especially when he rubbed my ass like that!

I tried to keep a straight face as the poor man's mouth fell open.

Back to my selections...This spa offers another service that I am not to sure about. THIS looks archaic and like some kind of medieval torture. Has any one out there done this? With my luck all that would happen is my hair would go up in flames! Yeah, like this guy.

An Irritating List

There are a lot of things that irritate me. Really. This list probably way outnumbers the items that DON'T. Here is just a partial listing. Please feel free to add any that I may have forgotten.

1. Waiters that dump glasses of ice water in a customer's purse.
2. Oprah having a show where she keeps showing celebrities doing normal things and then saying over and over, "see! this is the common bond that we all share! We all put on pants, we all poop!" (okay, I added the poop part, but she was thinking it!)
3. People at your workplace talking on and on about their relationship with their boyfriend. And, how after two whole months together they are going to counseling. And, everytime said boyfriend calls the workplace, girl grimaces and says, "tell him I'm not here."
4. Meetings that should not last more than an hour, lasting for two and a half hours. For no reason, other than some people in attendance blathering on about themselves.
5. Electric bills being twice as high as you expected.
6. A Colonoscopy. (no, I did not have one but know someone who did. It sounded quite irritating. Especially to a sphinctery area of the body!)
7. School projects. I swear if one of my kids comes home one more time this year and says he needs to take baby pictures of himself I will go all apeshit on a teacher. I now have baby pictures scanned into my computer and we print as needed.
8. John Mayer. I'm sorry but I am really tired of your songs on the radio. They were probably enjoyable at one point but now sound like nails on a chalkboard.
9. Homeless people begging in the rain. And, when you give them an umbrella STICK IT UNDER THEIR ARM. And, you realize them standing in the rain makes them look more sorrowful and needy. Uh, can I have my umbrella back then?

Stupid is as Stupid does

I do really stupid things sometimes. I mean really stupid. My suspicion is there is a rule book that all of you got and for some reason I didn't. Maybe while I was in line to be sent to earth, I couldn't wait and had to step out to run to the bathroom and dammit! I missed out on this book, "100 Things EveryOne Knows". If I ever meet the person who was in line next to me in heaven I am going to kick his/her butt. Because you know I asked them to grab me a copy if they got to the front of the line and I hadn't come back!! Oh and I WILL know YOU if I ever meet you here on earth!

What's frustrating is I can be brilliant when it comes to obscure things. Just the other night at book club someone mentioned Copernicus and how he is the one who said the earth revolved around the sun instead of the other way around. I spouted out, "Yes, we went from a geocentric system to a heliocentric!" There were lots of oohs and aahs.

The simple everyday things? They elude me sometimes. Just yesterday, it was cold when the youngest and I got home. I thought, "A lovely fire would be great!" So, I turned on the gas and then said, "Don't you kids at home try this!" and proceeded to scorch my eyebrows with the great ball of flame. And, no that wasn't the stupid thing.

The house started to smell funny. I had also turned up the heat so worried that there was maybe a gas leak??? After about 10 minutes I called the hubby at work.

me: Hey, it smells like gas in here. I turned up the heat and its working and the fire is burning so I don't know where the smell would be coming from.
Hubs: Did you open the damper?
me: What damper?
Hubs: In the fireplace. Honey, please tell me you opened that. The house is filling with carbon monoxide. Turn off the fireplace!

The next ten minutes was spent waving doors open and closed to try and push out the toxic fumes. I told the 9 year old what happened and he said, "Mom, I don't think I trust you anymore."

Yeah kid, me neither!

Then there was the time I washed the Suburban. I had driven through some kind of paint overspray and there were teensy tiny white spots on the car. I was washing it and had a brilliant idea. Instead of popping them off with my finger one by one, I would grab my kitchen scrubber sponge (I am sure this is covered in the "100 Things Everyone Else Knows" book) and use the scratchy side and pop those suckers right off. And, it worked. Along with scratching the paint off. I almost threw up when I walked back around to admire my handiwork.

Oh, there's more but we will save those for another day of self-flagellation.

New Year!

Hope your Christmas holiday was a merry one. We had a good time. Traveled up to Oklahoma and then back through Dallas to see the family.

Here is my dog Kipper (on left) and my parents dog Bandit ripping apart poor Santa Claus. Now if that isn't Christmas cheer than I don't know what is!

I am not one for resolutions but I am making one this year. No, it isn't to lose weight. That is so passe' and one that I break immediately.

My resolution is to be more courageous. I find that fear has held me back my entire life. Fear of what? Not even sure. Fear of failing. Fear of stepping out of the box. Fear of disappointing others. I am at a point in my life that I realize my brain skills and self-discipline to not meet my own expectations of myself. Yes, its a little disappointing but its my own fault.

I want to go hiking. I usually talk myself out of going on trips destined for hiking areas because I know that the kids will whine and complain (and I have a fear of going against what the majority wants). I am making a solemn oath to push through that now. Why? Because its a give and take thing. I have done plenty of things (usually involving an animated movie, laser tag or video arcade) that my kids wanted to do and I didn't, so they can go hiking with me every now and then.

I would also like to start biking. I will need to purchase a nice road bike which will involve spending some money ( I have a fear of spending extravagantly on myself). So, I may try and find a used one or a cheaper version to begin with. There is a bike ride called the MS150 that goes from Houston to Austin and I have had a dream of riding in that some day. I will not say that it will be this year but maybe next (I have a fear of committment).

Side Note: I just got off the phone with Sharla and she is amazing!!! Go visit her blog and leave her a note of encouragement as she drives cross country to put her oldest son in a specialized school and begin a new life. Since she was driving through Texas (not close enough to actually meet) she emailed me her phone number so I called. It was like we had known each other and met long ago. I wish her the best. And for her sake, maybe Anderson Cooper isn't gay and will fall in love with her (inside joke). Good luck with your stalking of him Sharla!

ADDED: I am having trouble getting my link to work to Sharla's blog. Here is the address. Just click on it! http://sharladjones.blogdrive.com/