Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Mounties!

I had to run through the mall the other day. While there I could not help but be impressed with the security guard. Okay, security might be a stretch... as well as, guard.

The female in discussion here had the requisite dark-colored, polyester, high rider pants with the pale blue stripe down the leg. Her white, short sleeve shirt was buttoned all the way up with some assorted bling here and there.

Here is what got me. This woman was 70 if she was a day. And, she weighed all of 102 pounds. Dripping wet. She had the dowager hump going on. Obviously, she suffered from a calcium deficiency. If I was a gangster I don't believe this "security guard" would inspire a desire to walk the line.
Her true crowning glory was the hat. The hat did any Canadian Mountie proud. Those brims could knock merchandise from shelves without even trying.
Who interviewed this woman for the job? This is a woman I could see handing out tasty samples at the grocery store, not working security at the mall. I did look back to make sure she wasn't packing heat. And, no I did not see a firearm on her hip (thank God!).
S0, I ask you....what is the point of having mall security? Is it simply to fill a position? Is it to truly provide security from teens with money at the mall? Or does this woman simply dress like this everyday as some sort of costume or security guard fantasy?


  • Ahh, mall security.

    Years and years ago I worked at a flower shop in the big mall in Vegas (oh, yea, it was the only mall back then). The security guards were all these very heavy old guys that could barely walk the mall without having a coronary. One day I saw this guy with an obviously swiped fur coat running out the mall doors and the guards stumbling way behind. I jetted out the doors and chased the guy out in the parking lot and then back into the mall. ( I had ran track so was actually right on his ass!) I followed in right behind him and then realized, what the hell was I going to do when I caught him?

    I flagged down that stores security and told him where the guy was hiding and her response?....."well, you better go find the mall security and let them know!"

    Sure thing! Bet he's still there waiting for them.

    By Blogger PEACE, at 6/21/2007 8:49 PM  

  • She didn't have a gun? But I thought everyone in Texas had a gun?


    (I didn't forget about your CD. Insert excuse here)

    By Blogger Type (little) a, at 6/21/2007 10:10 PM  

  • This is making me feel kind of guilty; our office cleaning woman is 84.

    (Truth: She absolutely refuses to quit.)

    By Blogger Jess Riley, at 6/21/2007 11:05 PM  

  • Actually that woman is as dangerous as Chuck Norris. She is looks like a sweet little old granny, but in reality she is a martial arts expert and could kill you with a sharp pencil.

    Oh and she works for Homeland Security to protect the mall from would-be terrorists. I bet THAT keeps you awake at night, huh? LOL

    Thanks for commenting on my blog! You're blog is great, I'll be back!

    By Blogger Jay, at 6/22/2007 8:42 AM  

  • When I was a teenager, all mall security had to do was just hang out near me and that was enough to make me go, "Alrightalrightalright!" and scurry away instead of being a miscreant. As long as Grandma can shuffle by the kids hanging out at Ice Escapades, our country's future should remain safe!

    By Blogger Spamboy, at 6/22/2007 12:14 PM  

  • OHhhh..... the rent a cop. I've worked with a few. Jim, the first, and longest one I worked with - 2 yrs. I was the evening receptionist. He didn't have all his teeth, but he wasn't that old. He just didn't have good dental hygine and he was skinnnnny. A stiff wind could of blown him over, but he had a heart of gold and would defend me if needed... not that I needed. Then there was the kid who thought it was so cool that he had keys to all the computer labs, and of course... I rarely saw him. Then there was Patty. She was a mix of white trailer trash and inbreading. I'm not sure how she got hired, but she didn't last long either. Greatfully - NONE of them packed any heat. WHEW! out for those grannies with hats. There is a super slim very sharp blade in there... something from 007.

    By Blogger Brenda, at 6/22/2007 12:34 PM  

  • She'll knock shoplifters dead with a silent-but-lethal Metamucil fart.

    Be afraid. Be very afraid.

    By Blogger V-Grrrl, at 6/24/2007 2:40 PM  

  • In my youth, I was going to go to an Artist's/Model's Ball as a mountie (my rather exotic date was going as a Native American princess--type-casted) I couldn't find a mountie costume, so I called the R.C.M.P. to see where they got their outfits. They were not amused.

    My pet peeve--I think that any guy who wears a hat indoors, whether it's a ball cap worn backward, a gangsta flat-billed cap turned slightly sideways or a cowboy hat, is wearing a costume. A clown costume.

    By Anonymous Tank Dooright, at 6/25/2007 9:36 AM  

  • Did you know that if a mall security guard catches someone stealing they are NOT allowed to detain them? Their instructions are to call the police. They are absolutely USELESS. I think the sole purpose of having them around is so they can be witnesses. Woop-dee-doo.

    By Blogger Tink, at 6/26/2007 3:13 PM  

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