Ostrich Days
Has there ever been anything you have put off thinking about?
There is something in my life that scares me so much that I know I just cannot think about it yet. I know I am avoiding it to maintain my sanity but what scares me is when the time arrives...what will become of me?
I'm talking about my son. The one who is contracted to go into the Army after college graduation. So far, I have dealt with this situation by delaying the time I have to worry about it. It was three years away, then two years, now we are down to 18 months.
I've "joked" with people that I will be a mess when the day comes and he is deployed somewhere. I'm not joking. Yesterday something happened that I KNOW I am NOT joking.
I was reading about a new movie that is out. It is about a father and his soldier son who went to Iraq. Just reading about this movie reduced me to a puddle.
Part of me is petrified for him to be so far away from me and the other part is mourning the passing of his youth.
When I sit quietly, I can reconjure the little boy he was at two, or at four. I can remember his fat little hands or the way he squirmed on my lap. I can remember his funny words for things. His loud, belly laugh when tickled.
I remember the time when he was only 10 months old and he was so sick . I thought I was going to lose him. At the emergency room, as the doctor told me that IF the meningitis wasn't fatal then he could be deaf or blind, I was making deals with God inside my head to switch our places. Take me instead! I remember thinking, I didn't even know this little baby less than a year before but now couldn't imagine life without him.
Right now to get through every day I compartmentalize my brain. I slam certain cerebral doors shut. Rooms I am not ready to see yet, let alone enter.
There is something in my life that scares me so much that I know I just cannot think about it yet. I know I am avoiding it to maintain my sanity but what scares me is when the time arrives...what will become of me?
I'm talking about my son. The one who is contracted to go into the Army after college graduation. So far, I have dealt with this situation by delaying the time I have to worry about it. It was three years away, then two years, now we are down to 18 months.
I've "joked" with people that I will be a mess when the day comes and he is deployed somewhere. I'm not joking. Yesterday something happened that I KNOW I am NOT joking.
I was reading about a new movie that is out. It is about a father and his soldier son who went to Iraq. Just reading about this movie reduced me to a puddle.
Part of me is petrified for him to be so far away from me and the other part is mourning the passing of his youth.
When I sit quietly, I can reconjure the little boy he was at two, or at four. I can remember his fat little hands or the way he squirmed on my lap. I can remember his funny words for things. His loud, belly laugh when tickled.
I remember the time when he was only 10 months old and he was so sick . I thought I was going to lose him. At the emergency room, as the doctor told me that IF the meningitis wasn't fatal then he could be deaf or blind, I was making deals with God inside my head to switch our places. Take me instead! I remember thinking, I didn't even know this little baby less than a year before but now couldn't imagine life without him.
Right now to get through every day I compartmentalize my brain. I slam certain cerebral doors shut. Rooms I am not ready to see yet, let alone enter.
posted by DebbieDoesLife at
9:30 AM
12 Comments:
I don't think there is any feeling stronger or more basic than wanting to protect your children. It makes you wonder how people stay sane in war-torn countries, or places where mass starvation is the norm.
I remember when I had to tell my parents that their son, my 40-year-old brother, had been killed in an automobile accident. One of the things my mother said was, "Your kids aren't supposed to die before you do."
By
Anonymous, at 10/16/2007 12:16 PM
Debbie,
((((((Hugs)))))
By
Brenda, at 10/16/2007 8:11 PM
"In the Valley of Elah". That's the movie. It looks good...and powerfully so.
I read the papers and I can't stand the thought of my children heading over to the unknown of the Middle East. That would be true whether they volunteered to go or whether they were ripped out of this life against their will (or mine). I'm thinking about you, Debbie.
By
Anonymous, at 10/17/2007 10:13 AM
I have a hard time dealing with my daughter growing up so I can imiagine the turmoil you are in.
~Jef
By
Anonymous, at 10/17/2007 2:23 PM
It's more than him becoming a man and being far away, it's the challenges he'll face, the way the experience will change him, the sacrifices he'll make.
And it's your own feelings about the Powers that Be in our world right now.
I'd be a mess as well. I hope you know other parents facing the same situation. Military families support one another in ways the rest of us can't manage.
By
Anonymous, at 10/18/2007 2:09 PM
My heart goes out to you...
By
B.E.C.K., at 10/18/2007 2:33 PM
This post is my very favorite of any you've written. For me, it spoke clearly, crystal clear, of your feelings, your love, the universal love of mothers, coping, and appreciation of our most precious creations, our children. Thank you for writing that so eloquently. Your gift for written expression shines through so brightly in this post. I hope your son reads it.
By
Anonymous, at 10/18/2007 4:24 PM
Your post really hit a nerve with me because I am having such a hard time facing the fact that my son is no longer a baby, and is quickly becoming a man. I totally understand needing to compartmentalize your brain to be able to deal.
By
Anonymous, at 10/19/2007 6:43 PM
Saying a prayer for you and your family. I don't have much else to say to comfort you, Debbie..except that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best. I am not a parent yet, so right now I can only imagine how you must feel, and it's painful enough already! ::HUGS::
By
teahouse, at 10/21/2007 10:28 PM
Oh Debbie, I can't imagine. I know how I feel for Myles and he's only been in my life 6 months.
You know, the world could be a very different place in 18 months.
By
Anonymous, at 10/22/2007 9:13 AM
Why did it take me so long to comment? I think your feelings are 1000% understandable. And as a mother and a human, I am worried about your son. In many ways he's still your little boy, who is off to do a man's job.
Sigh. Hugs to you.
By
Type (little) a aka Michele, at 10/23/2007 10:56 PM
I don't want to be a bearer of bad news, but that worry won't go away. My husband will deploy next year for 7 months leaving me and the boy behind. I am grateful he won't be on the ground, but on a ship, but that is often little comfort.
You can make yourself crazy with worry, or you can decide that he's going to be fine. I decided long ago that my husband is going to be fine. But that doesn't mean I haven't run through the scenarios in my head. I wish there were a better answer. I'm thinking of you.
By
Annie, The Evil Queen, at 10/25/2007 12:36 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home