Here's the Scoop...

I know I promised the full story on the BSD (biological sperm donor) and here it is. First of all, I refer to him in that sense because he is not a father to my son. Yes, I was married to him and he was for three years but then he VOLUNTARILY terminated his rights and my husband now adopted C immediately. Of course, then we added two more boys to our family and I had a matching set.

What lead up to this? How about almost four years of cheating? Hot checks? Lying about where he was employed AND how much he made? Oh yeah, let's not forget the fact that he then lied to the girlfriends and told them he was already divorced when he hadn't even told me there was a problem. How do I know this for sure? I found the fake divorce papers he'd made up for one of the girlfriends. Does this sound like someone you would want around your child?

Now to his credit (look how nice I am being!) he was always nice to me. I guess that was the problem - he was so passive-aggressive that rather than fight he would just lie. He lied about things that he didn't even need to lie about.

I made the decision that I did not want C disappointed time and time again with this person as his "father." I was afraid that he would eventually blame himself. You know, that maybe this person was late all the time or fell through on promise after promise because there was something wrong with him.

Again, to the ex's credit, when I said "if you really love him, then do what is best for him and get out of his life. Let him have brothers who are not halves and a cohesive, solid family unit," and he did. Of course, it was the path of least resistance and one he was well acquainted with. What? The path of least resistance and he were on a first name basis. Okay, I was being a little sneaky but you know what at this point it was called survival. My house was foreclosed on, I was trying to finish college and I had a two year old.

Not only did I survive, but I thrived. I finished college by taking 16 to 18 credit hours a semester AND working part time. ROAR (yeah, that was me, being a woman!) I was very lucky to meet a wonderful man who couldn't tell a lie to save his own life and is truly a knight in shining armor. When I first met him, I seriously thought I was delusional or dreaming and made him up but told my girlfriends NOT to pinch me. This dream has been going on now for 16 years and on May 24th we will have been married for 15 of those.

Well, when C turned 18, I told him the whole sordid story. I tried to do it factually, but I told him the truth. He had never known the whole tale. He would ask occasionally and I always just said "we were too young and he wanted what was best for you. He knew your dad would be the best dad to you." Now that he was 18, I knew he could be contacted around me. Well, it took him a year, but yes, he did find my son on MySpace. I did it myself and found it surprisingly easy. I found him too. The ex sent my son an email and opened up the dialogue.

C says he has questions. He has assured me that this is not real high on his priority list. I am appeased right now because he is getting his butt kicked at Ft. Benning in basic training right now with no computer, cell phone or anything. He is safe from contact. But he did talk to him before he left.

So, add this bit of news to the weekend that was C's last to be with us for the whole summer and it was quite the emotional cocktail for me. We did have a wonderful weekend though and I know he will make the right choice as far as what kind of relationship he will have with this person. I know in the "big picture" it is better for him to feel that this person cares for him than not. But, I just don't feel that this person has any right to him at all and doesn't deserve to know him.

Who lived through the trying teen years? Who suffered through a broken heart with him two summers ago? Who paid for braces and drove him to every appointment for almost three years? Who cleaned up barf? Who put up with a sassy teenager?? We did. We earned the right to be his parents and this person did not. I just don't want him strolling in and thinking "hey, what a great kid, and I get to be a part of his life."

Yeah, I guess I still harbor a little resentment. But you earn the right to call yourself a parent and that's not being a parent.