Friday, May 12, 2006

Here's the Scoop...

I know I promised the full story on the BSD (biological sperm donor) and here it is. First of all, I refer to him in that sense because he is not a father to my son. Yes, I was married to him and he was for three years but then he VOLUNTARILY terminated his rights and my husband now adopted C immediately. Of course, then we added two more boys to our family and I had a matching set.

What lead up to this? How about almost four years of cheating? Hot checks? Lying about where he was employed AND how much he made? Oh yeah, let's not forget the fact that he then lied to the girlfriends and told them he was already divorced when he hadn't even told me there was a problem. How do I know this for sure? I found the fake divorce papers he'd made up for one of the girlfriends. Does this sound like someone you would want around your child?

Now to his credit (look how nice I am being!) he was always nice to me. I guess that was the problem - he was so passive-aggressive that rather than fight he would just lie. He lied about things that he didn't even need to lie about.

I made the decision that I did not want C disappointed time and time again with this person as his "father." I was afraid that he would eventually blame himself. You know, that maybe this person was late all the time or fell through on promise after promise because there was something wrong with him.

Again, to the ex's credit, when I said "if you really love him, then do what is best for him and get out of his life. Let him have brothers who are not halves and a cohesive, solid family unit," and he did. Of course, it was the path of least resistance and one he was well acquainted with. What? The path of least resistance and he were on a first name basis. Okay, I was being a little sneaky but you know what at this point it was called survival. My house was foreclosed on, I was trying to finish college and I had a two year old.

Not only did I survive, but I thrived. I finished college by taking 16 to 18 credit hours a semester AND working part time. ROAR (yeah, that was me, being a woman!) I was very lucky to meet a wonderful man who couldn't tell a lie to save his own life and is truly a knight in shining armor. When I first met him, I seriously thought I was delusional or dreaming and made him up but told my girlfriends NOT to pinch me. This dream has been going on now for 16 years and on May 24th we will have been married for 15 of those.

Well, when C turned 18, I told him the whole sordid story. I tried to do it factually, but I told him the truth. He had never known the whole tale. He would ask occasionally and I always just said "we were too young and he wanted what was best for you. He knew your dad would be the best dad to you." Now that he was 18, I knew he could be contacted around me. Well, it took him a year, but yes, he did find my son on MySpace. I did it myself and found it surprisingly easy. I found him too. The ex sent my son an email and opened up the dialogue.

C says he has questions. He has assured me that this is not real high on his priority list. I am appeased right now because he is getting his butt kicked at Ft. Benning in basic training right now with no computer, cell phone or anything. He is safe from contact. But he did talk to him before he left.

So, add this bit of news to the weekend that was C's last to be with us for the whole summer and it was quite the emotional cocktail for me. We did have a wonderful weekend though and I know he will make the right choice as far as what kind of relationship he will have with this person. I know in the "big picture" it is better for him to feel that this person cares for him than not. But, I just don't feel that this person has any right to him at all and doesn't deserve to know him.

Who lived through the trying teen years? Who suffered through a broken heart with him two summers ago? Who paid for braces and drove him to every appointment for almost three years? Who cleaned up barf? Who put up with a sassy teenager?? We did. We earned the right to be his parents and this person did not. I just don't want him strolling in and thinking "hey, what a great kid, and I get to be a part of his life."

Yeah, I guess I still harbor a little resentment. But you earn the right to call yourself a parent and that's not being a parent.


  • Amen. Very well stated. Being a person wtih a completely created family (all mine are adopted plus one that came with the marriage, we are the parents in every sense of the exactly the same way that your hubs is dad to C. I am now a grandmother to my (step) daughter's child and I can truly say there is no "step" in our relationship. And my granddaughter couldn't be any more mine. (AFter all, I was in the room when she was born.) And Debbie totally gets this as she was the one who threw the baby shower! :-)

    By Anonymous tlc, at 5/12/2006 7:38 PM  

  • Nuttin' but the BSD....that is all he is/was/or ever will be. I already knew this story, but to hear it again and be reminded of how bad he was to you and C...well, it leaves me wantin' to go find him and slap him real hard up side the head. Look what he gave up, the Idiot. It was a hard road for you, Debbie, but you came out a better person married to a much better man. ROAR!!! You go girl!! And I am proud of you for having the guts and the fore thought to tell Chris the truth.

    Happy Mother's Day!!!

    By Anonymous Carol, at 5/12/2006 9:44 PM  

  • I admire you for being honest with your son and letting him decide on his own what's the right decision for him. AND I'm so impressed with how you took charge 16 years ago and turned your life around. I hope you have a great Mother's Day because you deserve it!

    By Blogger Renee, at 5/12/2006 10:51 PM  

  • You made some really big decisions, Debbie, and you did a wonderful job. I know what you mean about the resentment, and I think you're handling this with remarkable grace. Regardless of any conversation C has with the BSD, your son will *always, always* know who cleaned up the barf and paid for braces and committed to the long haul. He might want to find out more about this other person who shares his DNA, but he will always know it was you who dedicated your life to him and loves him with your whole heart and soul.

    By Blogger B.E.C.K., at 5/13/2006 10:59 AM  

  • I am sure your ex hasn't changed and I am doubly sure your son will realize that with time.
    I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of him leaving home for the first time.
    We should talk some time, I can tell you a few similar stories that would make you feel better. In the end, these men are just trying to prove something to themselves. It's not even really about your son. Once they realize what actually goes into being a father, they bow out again.

    By Anonymous TB, at 5/13/2006 12:56 PM  

  • Your son knows the truth because he lived it. He knows who LOVES him and who is family is and who his "real father" is. The BSD can't change any of that.

    By Anonymous V-Grrrl, at 5/13/2006 1:44 PM  

  • *wow* this makes me feel so much better with what's going on with myself and MY sons right now. I agree with tb up there, it's about HIM, not his son. Same with my ex. p.s.- loved the sperm pic LMAO!!

    By Anonymous Sharla, at 5/13/2006 2:50 PM  

  • Wow, what a great post! You sound like a very strong woman. I'm glad that you and your husband found each other..I'm sure that that has contributed to the fact that your son is a well-adjusted young man.

    Hats off to you. Happy Mother's Day!

    By Blogger teahouse, at 5/13/2006 11:58 PM  

  • I can totally understand how you feel, yet I admire you for letting your son decide what he wants to know in regards to his "father". You have every right to be resentful. Every right.

    By Blogger mama_tulip, at 5/14/2006 3:02 PM  

  • That had to be trust that your son would see through whatever b.s. the sperm donor might try. He sounds like a good kid.

    By Blogger wordgirl, at 5/15/2006 8:25 AM  

  • How does your hubby feel about this? He's the one I'd be most worried about. The "Sperm Donor" hasn't been around. He has no power here. I'm sure C will see him for what he is. And maybe that's good. Then he'll truly understand why you did what you had to do.

    By Blogger Tink, at 5/15/2006 10:41 AM  

  • I have been in the same situation as C, although I wasn't adopted by my step-dad. I knew all the time that my bio dad was a loser, I mean, hello? Where have you been my whole life? And sure, you're fun, but I don't even know you!

    Debbie, you did exactly as any caring, intelligent mother would do, and you have nothing to worry about with this "relationship" if you can even call it that. C knows what's up.

    (When you said "Now to his credit..." I thought, oh man! He cheated and lied and now what did he do to her credit rating?? duh.)

    By Blogger Mignon, at 5/15/2006 12:33 PM  

  • Oh and You GO! with the finishing school with a baby and all the drama. Man, that's something.

    By Blogger Mignon, at 5/15/2006 12:34 PM  

  • Our previous marriages & situations are very eerily alike. I think it's normal curiosity for your son to want to know his dad, all kids do, especially boys. But as he gets older, he will know who his real dad is & has always been. All of his special memories are with your husband, not with bsd.

    By Blogger jane, at 5/15/2006 6:24 PM  

  • Excellent post!

    My step-dad was more of a dad to me than my "real" dad. What kills me most is that I look EXACTLY like sperm donor.

    Oh well.

    By Blogger Brooke, at 5/15/2006 7:11 PM  

  • wow - don't know what to say - but that C is better off with you than anybody.

    By Blogger Rock, at 5/16/2006 3:30 AM  

  • C seems like a bright kid. I'm sure he'll see BSD for what he is.

    By Blogger Arabella, at 5/16/2006 7:55 AM  

  • Wow, thank you for sharing this! I am in awe of your strength and determination to do the right thing for C. You are awesome.

    My BSD wrote me off when I was a baby; I was adopted by my Dad when I was five. Your second-last paragraph really resonated with me, because my BSD came back into the picture when I was 18 and wanted to be part of my life. It really ticked my Dad off, who had parented me for the past decade, and I can certainly understand why. But I know who was there for me and who wasn't while I grew up. C will, too.

    By Blogger Jess Riley, at 5/16/2006 2:31 PM  

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